My Blogness

Well, first of all, I believe a congratulations are in order.
Congratulations and thanks to the person who left those horrible comments that left me without anything. Without even the will to carry on.
Congratulations because now you know that Nick is likely to be the only Scooby I ever talk to again. I don't know if I can face them anymore. How many of them have seen the blog? How many think like you? Maybe you, the commenter, are the one who enlightened Nick as to the existance of the blog, I don't know.
My secrets, exposed. These are the secrets that I never expected him to find out. They make things awkward, because Nick would never love me, which is why I kept it quiet. It could only lead to confusion and problems.
Congratulations because now you have taken away my only form of release. The only way in which I could tell anyone how I really feel. Absolutely inspired.
Thank you, because now everything is out in the open. There are no more secrets. That is something I have wished for for a long time. I only wish it could have been done slightly more discreetly.
And I still have one more wish. That you, the commentator tell me who you are. I have no wish to talk to you. I shall not seek revenge or retaliation- I'm not that kind of girl. I shall not care. But not knowing, and going through my head cycling through everyone it could be is torture. If that is what you seek, you have succeeded. But I don't think it is. I don't know what your overall mission is. I hope you have succeeded because, through you, I know I can handle what I imagined to be the worst pain in the world. It happened, and I didn't want to go on, but I forced myself too and the things I care most about are still with me. A worst fear- Nick knowing- has come to pass. And I survived. We survived, together. He doesn't hate me, and still talks to me. Thank you for that. I shall not be afraid in future. You gave me that. The knowledge that I can tell people things and it will still be OK.
And Nick is behind me all the way. He consoled me when he saw my tears. He reassured me when he knew I seeked reassurance, when I could only see the bad in myself, and could only see the bad in my past. Because there is bad there, and I regret it. You can't know quite how much. He told me that he never minded picking me up. Just one of the reasons I love him. He always tells me the truth. He is my best friend, because he picked me up from work, told me to stop thinking shit and pull myself together, and fixed my Internet.
I don't know who you are, but bathe in the knowledge that I will find it hard to trust each of the group until I know. And that's hard because I love them all, Dan, Jim, Becky, Tall Dan & Diddy, Tom, Chris, Kelly, Pils, Ash, Matt... and the rest. Every single last one.

But, to those readers who aren't that evil person. Thank for for reading. There is no reason for me to continue now. The secrecy is gone, and I've learnt a hard lesson. It's easier, much easier, just to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I hid behind a succession of masks, pretended I was who I wasn't, had feelings I didn't and vice versa.
Thank you, and Goodbye. I hope I never have to blog again.

Hey guys. It's been quite some time since I wrote, hasn't it? There isn't much to blog about in the summer, short of the usual emotional trauma, driving lessons (which, by the way, are going great) and parties. Did I not blog about my eighteenth, the house party and the evils of drinking? No? Ah well, you'll live. I get home too late to blog, and by the next morning I remember very little of it, plus the fact I now have to share a computer.
Anyway, there was a special reason for this blog.
I was a Scooby. No denying it, I hung around them, I went to their parties, invited each and every one (that I could) to my party and so much more. There was an ulterior motive to start, sure, but now...no. They're my friends.
Were.
Becky has a blog, and she recently wrote about a party that Kelly threw for her eighteenth. One of the most heart-wrenching lines in it was - "All of the Scoobies were there, every single one, except for Hamilton (who is on a boat somewhere being a sailor), and Steven (who was probably having significantly more to drink in an altogether different part of town). We were all together, and we all had fun and nobody fell out with anyone else. Nobody got ignored." and "Even the people who joined the Scoobies later on, like Pils and Diddy, we’ve known for at least two years.". Heart-wrenching stuff, and I sit here in tears wondering when that happened? Wondering why everybody's version of who is a Scooby is different. Because Kelly never liked me, not from the start, and I invited her to my eighteenth and I wanted an invite back and I didn't get one, which I could live with but everyone else was there and they had a great time and I'm so so so sad and I'm just...

They were the first people I classed as real friends. But maybe not. Maybe I've been betrayed, and used, and 'put-up with' once more. Why do I keep falling for it? Why is it that every time, every single fucking time, I'm hurt like this.

I just can't wait for University, so I never have to see these people again, even though Tall Dan and Diddy will be there but I can ignore them, I can and I will and I'll never see Nick again and I'll do that because this pain is so much, so intense I can't deal with it...

Jess x

Well I've had a hectic week. But that means I am far too tired to tell you about driving lessons, evil children, someone elses paperwork, new phones and other crap. So here is a meme, I wouldn't want you feeling bored and lonely now.

Are you female or male: Man, I feel like a woman (Shania Twain)
Describe yourself: Strange (Feeling)
How do some people feel about you: Angel (Aerosmith)
How do you feel about yourself: Questioning the Notion (Daily Planet)
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband: Far, Far Away (Slade)
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband: Non-Existent Nothing (Sash)
Describe where you want to be: Here (In Your Arms) (Hellogoodbye)
Describe what you want to be: Normal Like You (Everclear)
Describe how you live: Alone in a Crowd (Catch 22)
Describe how you love: Forever and For Always (Shania Twain)
Share a few words of wisdom: Time Flies (Johnny Reid)

I have no idea why this didn't post. But it is a blog from yesterday, so here it is.

Well, we shall start off on a high note. Happy eighteenth birthday to me! I am very happy with myself, now able to (legally) buy alcohol and vote. How cool Presents include a MAGNIFICENT chocolate cake, a digital camera, a photo frame with a picture of me and Steph and "Sisters", chocolate, DVDs...all sorts. Nice haul
And another high note- I got BBC in my A-levels (Business, French, Law) and that's enough to get me onto my top choice of Accountancy at Coventry University.
This is where it all goes downhill.
Last night, we decided to have a nice little party, y'know, happy birthday to me and Nick, just going out. So we did.
And we drank.
And we had fun.
And we drank some more.
And we laughed.
And we drank even more.
And we cuddled (MASS ORGY).
And we got totally drunk.
And Nick made out with Emily.
And Vicki was violently ill.
And I had to look after the both of them.
And Nick kissed me on the cheek and the hair and the forehead.
And I fell straight back into love.
And I returned to square one, just as I was getting over him.
And I am a masochist, inviting him over like that.
And Nick said that something was wrong with something...to do with me, and he leant forward.
And Stephanie entered the room.
And I have so many regrets.
And so much sadness.
And I seek only the truth, as I sit here, deep in thought.

I had my first driving lesson today!
I was very nervous, but the guy was nice, and I toodled around Hortonwood at twenty miles an hour!
I'm very proud of myself, by the end of the double lesson I managed to stop smoothly (although it might have been a fluke), pull off (that got worse as I went through the lesson), turn corners (my steering leaves a lot to be desired), overtake, keep my position well (well, ish) and talk AT THE SAME TIME (at one point in French).
I so rule.
I love that Micra.
I am clever bunny.

*finds keys to own Renault Clio*

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? I thought:
Oh God. I haven't slept. Damn my drunk friends.

2. Favorite planet?
I dunno, what's the planet furthest away from here that could possibly sustain life? If none, Venus. No men.

3. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Victoria M

4. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I only have the default ones. But Ash has this really cool Worms "INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!" one.

5. Do you “label” yourself?
Yes, but it changes depending on my mood.

6. What does your watch look like?
Broken. Only the time mechanism still works.

7. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Trying to get Vicki to drink water, and Nick to sleep. Never again will I encourage friends to go to the pub then sleep at my house.

8. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Something about A-level results, doubtless.

9. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot?
*caveman grunt*

10. Last furry thing you touched?
Tilly, my tabby cat.

11. Favorite age you have been so far?
Duh, zero. Everyone does stuff for you and you haven't a care in the world.

12. Your worst enemy?
Myself.

13. What is your current desktop picture?
Something cloudy. I don't usually use this computer.

14. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Whatever, I'll go on the computer.

15. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Money. What use would flying be?

16. Are you in love with someone?
Yes. Two. Kill me.

17. The last song you listened to?
Last Summer by the Lost Prophets.

18. What time of day were you born?
12.26am

19. What's your favorite food?
Steak

20. Where did you live in 1984?
I wasn't alive.

21. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not jealous, but I feel really really inferior, which leads to envy.

22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Doubt it! Vicki was last night when I was walking in a straight line and she could barely stand up. Yay for tee-totalling.

23. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At home.

24. Do you consider yourself kind?
Yeah.

25. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
No tattoo! If I absolutely HAD to... just below my bra strap where no-one would ever see it.

26. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
French. I have an A-level in the subject, but I'd love to be fluent. Or some Oriental or Eastern language.

27. Would you move for the person you loved?
Without a nano-seconds thought.

28. What's your life motto?
Shit happens.

29. What's your favorite town/city?
Paris

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Ooh, that time I complained to Cadbury and got a £10 voucher. About seven years ago!

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Well, I can check it. Then I ask my dad to do it, or Nick.

32. Your first love:
James Wilbert.

33. Do you collect anything?
Memories.

34. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Er, I went to a posh restaurant with some friends, as a celebration for finishing something major.

35. Have you been burned by love?
Yep.

Dear Nick.
I'm sorry for the past two years. For caring about you, and everything else. I'm sorry that I was the only one to truly comfort you when your heart was broken by Becky. I'm sorry that I'm the one who sticks up for you whenever you need it. I'm sorry that I'm the one who lets you yell at me when it's not I whom you are truly mad at. I'm sorry that I did whatever I could to let you know you had a friend.
Do you know why I am sorry? I am sorry because I truly thought you considered me one of your best friends. It's true, you haven't known me as long as Jim, or Kelly, those lovely people who I thought ranked with me, but since when did that matter?
What brings this on? I can almost see the question forming on your lips. It's because we're going to the pub on the fifteenth, aren't we? And you're getting smashed, aren't you? And where are you sleeping?
At Em's house. A work colleague whom I knew before you could ever imagine her. I'm sorry for thinking you cared enough about me to choose to be with me rather than this girl you've known for a few months, and only that. Yes, I fancy you, but how is this relevant? Do you think I am going to jump on you in the middle of the night? Why, Nick?
You see, practically that's quite silly- we're both setting off together in the morning, and you won't just be able to jump in a car with me. See, you're cutting off your nose to spite your face and I don't even know why.
There is nothing you can say or do to redeem yourself. So many people have betrayed me, people I thought I knew. I thought you might be that one that didn't. Look how wrong I was, you've joined the ranks of those who I truly loved, cared for, would have given my life for and then betrayed me. Just when I'm feeling so low, so insecure, just as I need some support, you betray me.

How could you? You were the one who assured me that part of my life was over. You gave me the people I class as friends. The Twins, Tall Dan, Becky, Chris, the whole gang. Yet you ruin it with your own selfish actions. And I don't think you even admit it to yourself.

Agreed, I can be annoying, clingy (given my past, I think I deserve that), loud...but I'm caring, a good listener, loyal...what's so wrong with me that people keep betraying me Nick?

You promised me Nick. And the promise has been broken.

I passed my theory test Be proud of me! This is the happy thing in my life and the only thing keeping me sane. I did, however, manage to spend an hour wandering around Wolverhampton by myself as my Dad sees a phone as an un-needed accessory and I started early. I left my license there, being so excited about passing, I didn't think about it and skipped merrily out.
This, in turn, lead to Mick (let's stare down Jessica's top Mick) getting it for me and demanding a kiss on the cheek before giving it me back. Bastard.
Last night at Frankie & Bennie's was great, but Nick is giving mixed signals now, and Vicki has admitted to fancying him, complicating my life even more. The fact that she is an idiot (£265 EACH for skydiving, not between us, but I had to work that out, AFTER we'd told Nick) complicates matters with organisation.
I want to go to Tom's party tomorrow, but my friends don't seem to understand the need for organisation- Nick doesn't know what he is doing so I might not be able to catch a lift with him (he doesn't know if he is taking the goddamn car even) and Tom doesn't know who is attending his own house party.
James is being so nice to me and even in a crowd I feel so lonely because I need him next to me (then guilty because I like Nick) and I miss him so much. He's going to the military soon and what am I going to do without him knowing every minute he's stationed is another minute he could be killed and I'd never know. I know he can take care of himself but St Louis is different to a war-torn country, with bombs everywhere even if it is the most dangerous city in the entire US.
Victoria is demanding to know where I am every minute of every day and is acting like I am her only friend- just because New College ain't good enough for you girl, talk to your fucking friends in Bridgnorth, I have enough on my plate right this second.
I want to cry, but can't because I'd be overheard.
I want to sleep, but can't because sleep never comes easily and now even less than ever, even though I am exhausted.

*sniffles and yawns alternately*

Yeah, it's been a long time since I blogged. This coincides with a complete lack of anything except work, which you, I am sure, would not find interesting to read. 12 days without a day off means my social life isn't great!
Anywho, back to the topic at hand. I went down the pub today (as is my habit on a Monday). It was good fun, as it always is, but especially tonight.
It all started when we (read me and Victoria) went to pick up Nick (so he could drink). We got a little bit stuck...such as Victoria trying to drive off in third at the gyratory. Idiot. We got to Leegomery in the end, and then we needed petrol. Which Nick had to do.
Oh dear...
Anyway, we got to the Royal Victoria Hotel in the end. To find our companions (read Ash and Zoe) weren't. So we gave them a ring. They were still hungover from the night before (shots of Sambuka, Malibu and God only knows what else will do that to you). So they came over.
And we laughed, and drank (well, Nick did. Zoe and Ash are sworn off alcohol, I tee-total, and Victoria was driving Nick home). We messed around, trying to get ice down each others tops, sitting on each other (read Nick sitting on me) (at which point Nick tipped his cider onto my face, leading to much spluttering from me), talking about every subject under the sun, fighting about music and all sorts I sat with Nick's arm around me for a large portion of the evening, and even sat in a rather awkward position on top of him (my neck killed, but I wasn't complaining).
We went for a kebab (as is our custom) on the way home.
We drove back to Leegomery, and when we reached Grainger Drive I put my hand on Nick's shoulder and he HELD IT. I am happyness.

So then he tells me he was more tipsy then usual after four pints on MSN. Ah well, it was good while it lasted

Anyway, I'm heading off to bed. I have my theory test in the afternoon and need to be well slept!
Love always!

I'm going tonight
I have already handled the book (we had them delivered at work).
These are good things.

Victoria is driving.
Victoria is forcing us to go in costume. This is sad. Mort, who will be there, thinks this is equally sad as I do.
These are bad things.
Especially as TV cameras might be there.

I've been preoccupied recently, haven't I? (So would you be if your crush kept on referring to you as "my dear Jess", "my lovely Jessie" and generally being a bastard about it all, and you were still in love with your ex.)
I want to tell you some things I haven't blogged about, yet are so important, or so trivial, I think you deserve to know.

I got my provisional license and booked my theory test. Wow! I'm very excited and just can't wait to get in a car! Yippee! This is a very important thing, you need to know
I am going to Connecticut in less than two weeks. I cannot wait for this! Yay!

Yay!

Then the trivial things. I got a new game for my Wii yesterday. Wario Smooth Moves. It's good fun, but I'm having trouble getting on it to play, what with large amounts of work, and an addicted sister.
I go to the pub every Monday now, it's good fun. Ash and me started it, then Zoe wanted to come (Ash's girl, and a little insecure. Even though I am the girl she trusts more than anyone else). Victoria invited herself along, and then we invited Sam to spice things up a little. Good fun.

Ah dear, there is so much to tell you about my life. Yet my focus is a little wavered sometimes, I understand. Apologies.

Another blog. A little more self-pity in this one, so if you don't like that sort of thing, you can leave. Now.
Why does Nick not realise when he's hurting me? He'll say something innocent like "You know I love you to bits" but each word is like a spear through my heart (Yes, I am quite melodramatic. But believe me, it's a physical pain. The feelings of falling in love and being heartbroken are remarkably similar. That shooting pain through your chest, y'know.).
He has taught me so much, I've changed since I've known him. And yet all that stood between us was my conscience and my habit of loving too much. You see, if I hadn't been dating James when I was so close to Nick, I'd've kissed him and something might've happened. And if I didn't love him to much not to risk the friendship, I'd also have told him how I really feel.
Why does Fate/God/my own choices get in my way at every turn? Is there something else I am meant for? Or is James the person Fate intends me to be with? Even though he found it so hard and caused my heart to rip in pieces...

Gah.

I'm sorry to everyone who's been experiencing my aggressiveness recently.
I'm sorry to my mother, who suffers that more than anyone, and whom I often fail to appreciate like I should.
I'm sorry to my family, who suffer me more than anyone else- especially my nan who generally gets a large portion of my argumentative streak, and my sister who is the most amazing sister I could ever have.
I'm sorry to Nick, whose friendship I can never be satisfied with.
I'm sorry to James, who I in turn insult and compliment in my head.
I'm sorry to all my friends who have to suffer my ever varying moods, and my incessant talking about absolute drivel, with special mention to Ash and Zoe.

I'm sorry to everyone. About everything.

It's been a while since I've blogged, hasn't it? (Take into account my warped sense of time- I've been known to refer to things that happened three years ago as "the other day").
I guess my mind reels over the same old things every day now, there's never much new. Nothing interesting happens at work so it would make dull reading.
But today and yesterday were different.
Yesterday Julie said she was going to miss me when I go to Uni.
Yesterday I went down the pub with Ash and we met a lovely gentleman (although very drunk and very...lower class) by name of Ted Chambers. He has two brothers (Mervin and...Charlie Chambers...aka Charlie fucking Chambers, who taught him how to fight) and two sisters (Dorothy? And Margaret). He is a lorry driver and can drive anywhere. He thinks I'm a mature young woman and appear older than my years. He also thinks Ash will be the father of my children, which met to giggles and a "I hope not, he's dating another girl" from me, and a horrified look from Ash. Classic.
Today I had my hair cut.
Today I talked to James and Nick at the same time and it killed me inside once more. Nick talking about Miss Jackie Prior and how he won't go in a short term relationship with her (like fuck I care...) and generally being the amazing (yet in love with another girl) guy I know. And today he wasn't a dick at all, he was perfect. And I cried, because James was acting like we were still going out. We used to use a (lala) emote and I refused to do it, on principle, and he was encouraging me to do it and I wanted to I really did because I do love him and Nick is so obviously not in love with me I can love two guys, can't I?

And I have a stomach ache that seems to have no cause. Which is annoying.

*cries, and signs off*

I don't know what to say here anymore.
My days are full of nothing right now, except more of the same.
Everything I feel has been blogged about a hundred times.

And then I read Becky's March '04 blogs and see how they exiled Nick and I want to take him and hug him and yet I still know how much I hate him. I want to tell him so badly, but I can't. The risk factor is too high now, and after the Nick-bashing sessions with Becky, I can't risk my friendships, can I? I was only originally friends because I wanted to be close to Nick, but now I love them in their own right. Dan, Jim, Tall Dan, Tom, Becky, Kels, even Matt, God love him. And I don't know what to do.

And Zoe came over armed with a massive block of chocolate and complained to me about her boyfriend and we had a good boy bashing session (James, Nick, Sam, Luke and Ash all featured).

Why can't life just be easy. Just once. Why can't he say something to me instead of telling me everytime we talk how it's going with Jackie, or Tesco-Girl or anyone...

How can you love someone so much you hate them?
And more, how can you do this to two people at the same time?
And why can a simple episode of Grey's Anatomy drive me to tears?

And why is there no-one I trust enough to confide in about James? The only time was Katie at that party because it was only days after and I could almost feel my soul shattering, the pieces falling right down to my toes. Some know I had a long distance relationship... I daren't tell Nick, or Dave, and Matt just keeps putting it off while insulting Steph...

Oh God...just give me a shoulder to cry on. Someone who won't give me advice, or criticise me, someone who will just let me cry and let me scream and let me cry and...please...

Dear James,
It's been so long since I really told you how I felt, hasn't it?
Our conversations these days tend to be like they were when we were inseperable, during the fight against Paul, you know, just flitting from topic to topic, covering everyting from politics to postal services to pets. Just less about love.
Yet you're no longer the best friend you were. When we started our long distance relationship, there was mutual, unspoken, consent that we would tell no-one and enjoy each other. And we did, for many months. The friendship we had developed naturally into love- it's a one way process.
You didn't love me enough to carry on through the distance. I said December I could come and visit you, the first firm date I'd managed- you knew the situation, my parents weren't going to let me fly to the US alone until I was at Uni and didn't have to tell them, and you couldn't afford to come and see me. But then, when my heart was soaring, you sent it crashing down to earth. "It's not working" you said, you couldn't deal with the long distance. I had to force you into saying no. I said love was blind, I hadn't seen it, but that's not true. I'd seen it coming, but done everything I could think of to ignore it, and then, once I could ignore it no longer, to fix it.
You're still the guy who I imagine sleeping next to me at night, the guy who I dream of every time my eyes close. You're not the guy who I tell everything, because if I did, that would push you further away. Admitting to you I'm still in love with you would drive you further away, you'd say that until I'm over you, our relationship as friends is best put on hold. And that, I could not deal with.
I imagine your arms around me, and know that I never felt your lips on mine, your arms keeping me safe, when that's all I wanted for so long. Even now the tears well up and I miss you. I miss you so much.
Why don't you miss me? Did you ever love me? Was there another girl, someone with flesh and blood that you could hold?
I loved you, and still do, even over 3,000 miles.
If I can do that, why couldn't you.
Why why why, so many questions, and no answers.
I love you, now and forever.
Jessica xxx

So Nick is being a swine again, refusing to go out with me because I won't drink (sorry dude, but I'm tee-total and you know it. How do you expect me to get home if I'm drunk).
James is being his usual elusive self.
Dad is being a twat, accusing me of doing things wrong when he asked me to show him how to do something. SORRY, but if you're so FUCKING CLEVER, do it yourself.
Ash went out with me last night and I ended up walking him home drunk.
The drunk guy at the Vic last night stripped. In a pub. All I wanted was a quiet drink.
The twat of a manager didn't throw the bastard out!

Are all men like this? Or am I just unlucky?

And why am I so willing to accept Nick (in particular) even with all his faults? Is it because that's what my mom does? Just accept Dad no matter what he does, puts up with it?

Argh. I want to sleep.

Yes, it was last night when we had our final get together (minus Sally, who happens to be in Devon, Nicolle, who couldn't afford it, Chloe, who is with her Dad, and Katie W, who is doing her mysterious Thursday afternoon activities).
We had so much fun! We all (well, Katie B, Beth, Sam, Becky and me) met at the station in Wellington and we caught the train for free
We got there in the end and we sat and waited for half an hour for Jo to turn up She bought us all drinks and we started with some disgusting chinese soup stuff. Ew.
The service was excellent though, if they took your plate away thirty seconds after you'd finished, that was late! It was so funny, Jo was whispering to me and Becky "it's been half a minute and my plate is still here" and the guy was walking up behind her ready to take the plate!
We tried a bit of lots of different foods, though quite a few of us declined the seaweed and the squid, and Katie's reaction when she saw the crab claws was just picture perfect. Unfortunately, I didn't catch it with my disposable camera! I am not a huge fan of chinese, but I managed to eat quite a bit (yay for chips) by taking teeny tiny portions of everything.
Once we'd had our main course, we started on the pudding! Chocolate cake, ice-cream, jelly, melon, there was all sorts and I think everyone had at least two! We then proceeded to sit around chatting about everything from French politics to vibrators and general boy bashing.
Becky admitted who she fancied, a lad whom I have no small crush on myself (a certain Mr Newport), which was not great for me, and when we started Nick-bashing...that was not good. I defended him to the end, as I do, but even I have to admit that he is going at least slightly off the rails. All you have to do is say one thing wrong and he starts yelling at you. Unfortunately, having liked him for so long this one fault cannot change my liking and I still care much for him. I want to be the one that changes him, that calms him down, but I know (having lived with my father for seventeen years, give or take a few months) that it could take years. Having a relationship with a guy like Nick, or my dad, is difficult. I know this, yet still want to do it! Why?
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. There are many photos which I shall soon be uploading (along with the Alton Towers ones), as soon as it stops raining and I can go down to Boots to get them developed.
At the end I started crying, because I'm a wuss and will rarely see these guys again, the people who made French what it was (The 'Ros-bifs' or 'Frenchies'). So we ran to the train station (having decided the later train was a better option) and the conductor told us we couldn't buy tickets on the train.
Uh huh. Since when?
So he made us run down to the ticket machine, which wouldn't accept our money! He came down a minute later and said the "train is here, get on board. Just don't do it again" so we started muttering about him, got on the train and didn't even have to pay for tickets. So I was the only one shelled out either way, which I was not happy with!
Ah well

I went to the dentist today. Off I skipped, happy as larry- I do like going.
Or rather, I did like going.
Today I went, complained about the slight pain I've got bottom left, and he says...
"YOu need to use mouthwash, stop eating those fizzy cola things [aka my favourite sweets in the whole wide world], come to me for some [insert dentist sounding language here] on the ninth of July"

Bastard.

So I promptly went home via Little Sweeties and got myself some chocolate raisins to cheer myself up.

Off to the chinese tonight for some more cheering up with the Frenchies

Hi Nick.
I'm sorry about yesterday, when we split into two groups and I didn't call, but what could I do?
I'm going to tell you the heart-wrenching truth.
You see, when we went, I did volunteer to call you, but I was the only one in our group who fancied doing so. Becky especially was against the idea, you having annoyed her best friend by speeding ahead and arguing with another of her good friends, Dan.
Everyone wanted to leave you guys behind, especially you.
And I am deeply sorry, but I wanted our day at Alton to be perfect. My last day seeing some of these people perhaps, and I didn't want it ruined. Even at the expense of not seeing you- this day was going to be perfect.
So we carried on, and queuing for Nemesis the second time around, the group turned to insulting you. I defended you Nick. I was on your side, because I know you've got your faults, but I love you for them. In your own words, it's the imperfections we fall in love with.
I've always tried to be a part of the group, and if that means I have to agree to Becky's insane requests, it's what I'll do. Eighteen months ago I did that only so that I could be near you...now it has only changed in that some of the group are the first real friends I've ever had. Don't make me lose that. You are the most important in my mind, yes, the other think you think that you are "God's gift to the Universe" (to quote one of them) and I agree. But in my opinion, it is justified as you are amazing. Passionate in either anger or love, kind, generous and above all, an amazing driver.
I can't apologise more, and I wish you would not hate me for it. It wasn't bitchiness on my part, it was a wish for the perfect day. And we found each other at the end. Is that not enough?
Love always
Jessica xxx

Woo!
Gotta love Alton Towers!
Whether it's playing "I spy" (Cumulus Nimbus is a fair spy, someone back me up on this) on the journey, playing charades on the journey home with the car behind (consisting of Odelle, Martin, Dan and Pils) or actually going to the Park, it's good fun.
The floods held us up a little, especially on the way back (who knew the traffic in Stafford was so bad...and then we went back through it when we found the road was blocked) but we got through it OK- although Becky did comment on Kelly's driving through flood water
Mostly the day consisted of tension when we were all together, as everyone hated Nick (he argued with Dan and drove far too fast on the way) (except me, who did my best to side with everyone, which wasn't going to happen. I settled for a "Nick wasn't completely in the right, but he wasn't completely in the wrong either"). Kelly in particular wasn't happy with Nick, which meant Becky wasn't. The splitting up put Nick in a bad mood, probably cos he wanted to be with Becky (who actually only didn't try and find them because she didn't want to see Nick as she hates him and was pleased he was wound up). I did want to be with him, but didn't. When Kels went home (with Becky and Sammy?) we regrouped and went to the Rapids (where we all got soaked, but got a damn good picture) and the Runaway Mine Train, where Nick and me did our best to squish each other up (OW...that hurt...NOT! Loser!) hehe!
Anyway, the chronologicalness of this blog is completely out, so I shall continue like that
Martin had never been to Alton Towers before, so we spent a lot of time takig him on the best rides, and, of course Hex. Dual, I beat him at, which I was very proud of He sulked for a while but consented to give me a hug anyway.
We went on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (incorporating the Great Glass Elevator)...without Dave and Martin, and got stuck. Was pretty boring, but we rocked the boat and stuff which was quite funny!
Nemesis and Air were their usual awesome selves, especially because Dan and Martin had been on neither before, so it was good fun! Rita: Queen of Speed (It goes a metre every three seconds!!!) was the same, but to be fair, that ride is such an anti-climax. You have a sudden burst of speed, then it loops a few times, goes round a few corners...whatever. And they took away the surprise
Dave got us lost in the gardens
Ah dear, I could go on, but there were so many good quotes (QUOTE OF THE DAY) that I just have to tell you some of them!

The rapids...they're wet...(Martin)
You. Lake. Me. Push. CUMULUS FUCKING NIMBUS (Dave)
OW...that hurt...NOT! Loser! (Me)
The park benches...underwater...WOW! (Chris? Dave?)
*lots of random high pitched noises* (Chris...who can go far too high for a guy)
Nemesis...that's the Nut Cruncher isn't it? (Dan)
This place...it smells like the changing rooms at Phoenix School. (Chris, in regards to Hex)
I swear that says "He made the desert smile" (Me)

Pils: Nemesis...painful. Comes of being a guy.
Chris: I didn't think it was that painful.
Me: Yeah...exactly
*everyone laughs, then Dave interrupts*
Dave: Nah, not that painful
*everyone looks at Dave*

We can't forget regular references to "The Car of Death" (aka my fave Corsa), Cumulus Nimbus (and regular attempts to murder me, or threats on my life) and shortbread

Hehe...what an awesome day. When I get the pictures, I shall upload so you can see the awesome people I spent the day with

Yay!

P.S. There may be some edits to this blog entry as I remember cool quotes ...and read Becky's blog!

Oh Christ.

I am going skating tomorrow, with Ash. I thought 'the more the merrier', and, since Zoe won't come, asked Vicky, encouraging her to invite a friend.

I got a call at 11.30 last night (bearing in mind I had an early night in order to facilitate rise and shine ready for seven o'clock work) from...Nick. Asking why he wasn't invited.

Why did I say he could come if he wanted to?

This cannot end well.

He has an exam later tomorrow though, so he probably won't come around after with the others.

Oh dear.

I hate work. It's so bloody boring.
Y'know I could compile another "Things I Hate About Work" list so easily. Customers who think I need change rather than five pound notes (a documented rarity in Card 'n' Play), being 'delegated' to front till all morning...that kinda shit.
But I made up for it this afternoon! I went to see Fantastic Four with Nick, Amanda and Natalie. It was cool! There were some really great lines in and it's all about the triumph of good over evil and how love prevails and how team-work is good...quite a subliminaly moral story really.
It was good And we all four went in, sat Me Amanda Nat Nick and when Amanda and Nat went to get some sort of very colourful additive-complete drink slushy thing and he CAME AND SAT NEXT TO ME THROUGH HIS OWN FREE WILL.
How cool is that?
And then on the way home I got shotgun and we took the piss out of Nick the whole way home, texting Jackie off his phone and such things. Nat and Amanda tried to get me to tell them who he told me he fancied but because he told them something different to what he told me I'm a little confused, and that little horrible optimistic part of me is thinking "why is he lying? what is he covering? maybe he does like me?"...I told you that part of me was horribly optimistic and the pessimistic "whatever" side of me is having a hard time crushing such a hope.
Ah well.
Gonna go to bed, working all day tomorrow...what fun...

Oh how I love ice-skating! It feels good to be back on the ice after my involuntary abstinence (exams). It's amazing how quickly you get back your balance, although my crossovers definitely need some more work!
However, that is of very little importance as my training will soon recommence in earnest and you shall hear very little of it as it would bore you to tears!
The interesting bit is my relationship with Nick. Ah how I love it. His nose touching mine, me vowing next time to kiss him (did it happen again? Did it fuck) and skating with our arms around each other while he tells me exactly who he fancies (well, describes her...he doesn't know her name yet). I do not like this guy sometimes... then he pissed off to Halfords to check for a new bike or some such nonsense.

Gah.

I'm ready to be exhausted!

Today- Skating with Nick...(that can't end well)
Tomorrow- Work all day
Sunday- Work 7-12, then Nan's house
Monday- Ash and Zoe (possibly Nick) coming over to play Wii
Tuesday- Matt's house
Wednesday- Alton Towers with Scoobies (in Nick's car)(minus Dan and Jim)
Thursday- Dentist appointment

Phew...wish me luck!

Apologies for the lack of blog yesterday, it was stormy and mom beseeched us to turn off the computers to prevent the £600 escapade of last time.
Walking from Sainsbury's to Odeon in the pouring rain (having walked from BHS to Sainsbury's with bad ankles) is not good. Then sitting through Ocean's Thirteen (good film in the wet clothes is also not good.
MY BRA WAS SOAKING, I WAS THAT BLOODY WET.
I will take a coat next time.
The lift back was equally life-threatening, with Victoria 'driving' and trying to KILL us.

But yay for George Clooney

Amazing day today! I got through my Law exam well! My final exam! And it was, not to sound too cocky, amazingly good Strict liability and provocation, I love you!
Then I won £25 on scratchcards (profit of £20!)!
How cool is that!
And then I got home.
And talked to James.
I love him, as he is so amazing.
I hate him, he hurt me bad.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It's quite sad that I am so full of hate.
Hate for men.
Hate for little sister.
Hate for whatever decides our lives (or me, if Fate does not exist).
Hate for men.

I don't like this fact. Because a lot of it is unreasonable, or down to bad experience.

But I hate nevertheless.

And the hate carries on.

Eating away.

Soul-destroying.

*People who tell me what the weather is like outside. Especially when it's nice.
*People who ask me if I have any carrier bags when they are in plain sight.
*People who ask me if I mind giving them a carrier bag when I have just offered them one.
*People who change their minds about carrier bags
*Carrier bags.
*People who tell me the symptoms of their latest illness (MR WAGG).
*Having to cover Cerys when she comes in with a hangover and starts crying.
*Carrier bags.
*People who complain when they have nothing to complain about.
*People who hold up queues (either to complain, look for their wallet/purse or TRY AND REMEMBER WHAT THEY CAME IN FOR. They NEVER come in when we're empty.
*People who um and ah when I ask them if they want ItemX
*People who scrutinise their shopping before deciding if they want a carrier bag.
*People who come in five times within the space of four and a half hours.
*Carrier bags.

Me, I'm full of hate. But I do love my job

Oh how I hate French exams.
It was difficult.
VERY difficult.
And Nick didn't even offer me a lift home. Guess who he did offer a lift to?

But then, I do live nine miles further out

Why the title? Amazingly, nothing to do with me about to blog about my self pity.
It's me wondering why I don't seem to do anything else these days.
The tear ducts seem to be malfunctioning and randomly start working when I don't want them to.

Why is it that the only thing that can make me smile is my amazing cat? The one who brings in potatoes and sits on my lap licking my face? There is more to life than this and obsession, because that's what it's become but I don't know how to fix it I don't know how to make it better I don't know how to get out of this vicious circle...

Mistakes are things we all have to make and learn from...Grey's Anatomy inspired of course. Something else inspired from my fave TV show...if I was in hospital tomorrow, who would come and visit me? And what would I do when they didn't?
If Nick didn't come and say Hi, would I scream at him? Ignore him? Be all disappointed, or go on as if life hadn't changed?

I don't like not knowing the answers.

And I have a French exam tomorrow.

Concentrating through three hours of THAT will be nothing but torture.

Wish me luck.

This is what I shall do.
People have done nothing for me.
James.
Nick.
My 'friends'.
My 'family'.

Stephanie started criticising me again. Apparently I'm loud. Well if that's my personality, which is it, what in God's name does she want me to do about it?
Do I say to her everytime she shows how vain she is, or how snotty or how snobby, do I say to her "stop that. I hate it. Change now, bitch"? Do I do that?
No.
So what gives her the right to do that to me, when she is actually loud as well?
Does she not think I hate it as much as she does? Does she not think it's one of the many things I wish I could change?
She reduced me to tears, and all because I said "Nooooo!" to the television when an advert I am desperate to see refused to reveal itself.

I hate people. What have they ever done for me.

Oh, and I'm in pain. I wrecked my fingers on some boxes earlier (Derren Brown, subjective pain. Didn't feel the pain until I saw the blood running down my arm!) and I over-exerted myself on the Wii yesterday, so my shoulders were killing. I was boxing for stress-relief.

Say a lot?

(21:52) Nick: Enough of the 'xxxxx' It's unnerving
(21:52) Nick: If you REALLY want to keep doing it then fine, but it's a little bit of overkill really

Then, two minutes later, he calls me hot stuff.

Maybe he is just a really friendly person...

I have this new Wii.
It's very cool.
It means everyone is my best friend.
It also means I can invite Nick over to MY HOUSE ALL BY HIMSELF without having to try and think of a reason.

Wow.

We played (I slaughtered him) and he poked me a lot and it was so cool.

Wow.

I know...how strange is that coming from me right now?
But the sun is shining, the Red Arrows are flying (it's Cosford weekend, and we all know what THAT means) and I have a brand spanking new Nintendo Wii, AND a day off tomorrow.

How cool is that?

Very cool. Very cool indeed.

And Nick is talking to me, and considering coming round...*swoons*.

AND I haven't cried once yet (tears welling up does not count I tell you) today, which is a first since James.

What an amazing day. Amazing.

I hate work sometimes. Yeah, we have a laugh, but today, being Carnival Day, was HECTIC. In capital letters.
I ran around lots...but we do have a Henry, which makes my life SOOOOO much easier. I wub him.
So I ran around, fixing lottery terminals, serving customers, answering phones, getting change and whatnot.
Creepy stalker bloke comes in and asks for an invite to the wedding. What the hell? That's my wedding to my imaginary boyfriend that I wouldn't invite you to if you were the last witness on EARTH?!?! That wedding?
So I tootle off to the Carnival and hang around with Matt (my lovely Matt) and Ash (mwahaha), who then accompanies me home and we played PS2 for a loooong time. And I kicked his ass.
Then Mick and Gloria came. Mick decided to tell me CSB is sexually harassing me and I should take him to court, before telling me that my boobs were distracting him (I'm wearing a revealing vest top...it feels like it's 100 degrees out there) and then telling me that I should have my bottom smacked, and enjoy it [/quote].

*shudders*

Sometimes I like the attention. But when all I get is Mick, CSB, Jon whateverhisnameis and a load of pervy blokes, it gets ridiculous when there are only two men I really want.

Sorry, I'm finding it hard to blog these days. It seems my days are full of the same old crap and blogging about it takes time that's hard to find.
But I guess you might as well hear about the last day.
Law was weird. Martin was acting strange, I saw neither hide nor hair of Laurren or Vicky and Dan was just...Dan .
I gave Venetta her gift and she was pleased
So I did my presentation over lunch (and helped Katie with hers, to no credit the little bitch), and presented it, with pain au chocolat (well, French bread with a chocolate bar shoved in the middle) to the class.
I gave Jo her gift, and she was pleased.
I ran around finding Rebecca (also pleased) and Andy (also pleased...Thorntons are his favourites.). Then Sarah.
WOW. BITCH. I explained that the gifts were for putting up with me for two years and she says...wait for it..."Yeah, it's been difficult" in a VERY sincere manner. It took all my self-restraint (and I have a lot) not to snatch the chocolates back and say "Well it hasn't been a field of daisies having you as a teacher either". Wow, I really do not like that woman. I hope Venetta goes mad at her.
I went out (seriously, 4.10 latest) and found only Tall Dan waiting. Why, on the last day, were they not waiting? I didn't say goodbye.
These guys, even Rob, are the first real friends I've ever had. I might never see some of them again, and y'know what? That's kinda sad.

Nick didn't wait either.

That French exam (Listening & Responding, AS resit, third attempt) sucked. It was difficult.
So I pretty much gave up quite soon in. I blagged it, randomly ticking things and making up translations.
The Reading & Responding (AS resit, second attempt) went better. I finished an hour before time. So I outlined every single window on the picture. And there were a lot.
And I got a D and an A. I bet.
But I won't find the results until my birthday, when I find out if Coventry is my destination for the next three years!

Then I went out. With Nick. To see Spidey-3 (yes...again).
I cried in that film multiple times...because I'm not sure about anything. I want to be with Nick, but I should still be in mourning for James. And I AM still in mourning for James. Nick has been on dates with another girl...and I don't know how serious it is.
I cried for me, for Peter Parker and for those who have loved and lost.

Wow. Deep.

Phew...today was hectic!
First I woke up, ready and willing. I got to college and ran around for quarter of an hour trying to find where my Business revision class was supposed to be. Rebecca, Andy, Marie, Steve and the other woman all had different ideas on when and where it was supposed to be, as well as who was supposed to be leading it! In the end, Rebecca decided Andy would be running it with Marie's (and Steve's in the second half) help in B227 starting at 9.30.
So I went and did a French translation
The revision session went OK, highlighting everything I didn't know that I should know. I sat with Jim for the first half and we both sat in silence most of it.
But then it was exam time at 1.30! WOW!!!!!!!!!
It was perfect. We got a question on how changing channels of distribution to supermarkets would affect the marketing mix for FFN...something we had done a model answer for that very morning! As well as JIT (same applies)! I was scrambling to finish, and I believe that my writing on the last question may well be illegible- my conclusion was written after the Time statement was given, but I got there in the end...just!
So I chatted with Amy for a while until I met up with the Scoobies, as is our way.
Nick sat on my lap, he hugged me and chatted...it was like old times. What am I talking about, old times, it was like it was when I thought he actually liked me. Then, on MSN, he invited me to the cinema again...just us. ARGH.
At the same time, I was talking to James again, for the first time since the break up. It's amazing how easily we talk to each other. We didn't reference what happened once, but talked about everything from pets to politics, as we always used to. I missed that about our relationship, it was becoming more romantic than intellectual, but now I have it back I can't decide which I liked more.
I love them both. But I can't live with myself knowing that.
I hate this, it's getting ridiculous.
Anyway, off to prepare for my two French (AS resits) exams tomorrow...fun...

I apologise my lovelies, it's been quite some time hasn't it?
Unfortunately, exams, stress, and utter infatuation exhaust me and I go to bed now much earlier than "ma petite soeur", so I rarely get chance to blog alone.
It's been a quiet three days, with very little of import happening. I did, however, apply for my provisional, which is very exciting
Last night, however, I went out partaying. Which was fun until I broke down in tears.
I confided everything (EVERYTHING) to Katie P. and she was so good to me it made me feel worse. She knows the feeling, to an extent, what with Jordon and Dan and so on and she just hugged me and rocked me as I cried.
What sort of girl cries at a party? Especially when she has been reunited with a friend of many years ago, Jessica Thorner?
Fortunately, Katie was the only one who knew.
But I miss him so much. People say LDRs aren't worth it, and they don't count, but they are and they do. My soul isn't complete anymore.
I can't even get over him, can I? I can't see him kissing another girl, or being a dick. I can't get used to seeing him around as he's online so infrequently. I can't do it...

My dear readers, I apologise. I realise that many of the latest blogs centre around James and my longing for him, but this blog is more like a diary and that's how I feel. Everytime I close my eyes I see him, everytime I think it's him who steals my thoughts, my dreams.
Apologies to you, my readers. Forgive me.

Today, guess what I did.
That's right, I spent all day moping.
I had a haircut at 2.30.
But other than that, all day moping.
And watching Grey's Anatomy.
And telling Nick that I'm so, so stupid for not doing something I should have done in the vague hope he'll understand, dump Miranda and whisk me away in his Corsa.
I miss James so much...I didn't think I would but I do so much so much that it hurts and I can't take it anymore because it's eating away at me so that I can think of nothing else and even though I ripped up his picture and threw it away it haunts my mind it's all I see when I close my eyes and I need him here with me because I never even kissed him never even touched him and I do love him so much that I can't take it anymore I can't take it can't stand loving him like I do then I feel guilty because I still love Nick and then I go and watch Grey's Anatomy and stare at McDreamy and wonder and I wonder...I wonder...

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

Whoever came up with that should be shot. Right now I'm dying inside.
Put together, Nick and James have caused me more grief this month than I ever felt when I was single.
Matt wants to know what's wrong, and I'm going to tell him. Is risking our friendship (he's a man of principles- I've both lied to him and two-timed) worth it?
I think it is.
And I have to tell someone.
Or I may just explode.

My mind is going in one hundred different directions...
I'm being pulled apart...
What do I do...
Someone, help me, before I drown in a sea of tears...

":\ Jess... I still love you, just not in a romantic manner. That's what I was trying to say last time when you asked me why I had become so distant. I couldn't bring myself to say it because I don't like hurting people, which is what seems to be happening here.

Put simply, I'm still your friend. I hope we can still be friends... but I just don't want to be in a relationship any more. "

That's what he sent me...my James sent me that...

I e-mailed him with a possible flight, asked him the ultimate question...

What can I say, what can I do...

Yesterday was quite fun, you know. I went caching (I need a twig) with Steph, and we reached the top of Lilleshall hill (with a little help).
We came back down and it started to rain. I won't write more about our caching adventures, you can find them at the link.
So then we went shopping for a green Tinkerbell skirt. Wow. I am enver shopping with Steph again. We found one in Primark, then proceeded to go in EVERY SINGLE CLOTHES SHOP in Telford Town Centre...then go back to Primark. We queued for what seemed like hours for changing rooms (she refused to get changed without a cubicle. What she's complaining about I do not know, she has a perfect figure) then I promptly dragged her around Waterstones for a whole half hour. That was fun
I did, however, clean myself out. Hairclips for Heather (it is her birthday soon), earrings for me (both Next), a new book, new trainers and lunch at McD's...
The highlight of the trip had to be me finding a mannequin without a hand....."Ha ha ha...the mannequin doesn't have a hand..."

So we move to today. I haven't been up and about long, having lain in bed thinking about James for at least two hours. Tear ducts once again empty.
So I come downstairs to find my new car has already been insured. So the logbook, insurance AND tax is in someone else's name. Yeah, my car. In all but paper, says mom, but guess which bit is the important bit? And apparently it needs driving every week, so I won't be the first to drive it EITHER.
Tear ducts, more work for you.

I don't even know why I am crying much of the time. Is it for James, Nick, car, exam stress, myself...Someone please, tell me why!

The title is regarding how much has been happening in the past two days that's bloggable. So we shall start yesterday, with chronological order

We went to see Pirates. We being fifteen of us, including me, Nick, Martin, Andy, Tall Dan, Lucy, Matt, Becky, and loads of others.
We got there. Handed in our tickets...Becky and some others sat down. Me and some others went to our seats to find them taken. Great news. So we check it out with the attendant who realises our tickets were for Thursday.
Excellent news. Not.
So we wait around to sort it out (Jim went up and sorted it at the box office) and we ended up with a refund and tickets for us all to the nine o'clock showing. Cool! Free tickets!
So we hung around for the next half an hour. Unfortunately, this meant mom would have to pick me up an hour later. So I called her...No can do. So Martin offers (with a little persuasion) to take me.
We went to see the film then It was OK, not as good as I wanted it to be, although the scene with a dozen Johnny Depps in it just HAD to be cool There were a few plot problems (Pirate Lords, fleets of ships that don't seem to do anything) but I can't be bothered to go into those and you can find more detail by either watching the film or looking at critics' reviews.
So we got out (after watching credits and the extra scene, which was so not worth it) and Martin says "Right. So, which way to Newport?".
Now is probably a good time to warn you that I do NOT make a good navigator, and in the dark I am even worse.
Tall Dan chimes in. He doesn't know either.
Well that screws us up! But Martin figured he knew the way to Trench Lock and I figured I could probably find us home from there, so we decided on that. The long route, but the safe route! We went through the High Street instead of round the A41 because I know that way better! Can you tell which way the coach from college goes?
So I got in about 12.30 and woke up the whole house, which is an achievement as they are notoriously hard (*COUGH*) to wake up, and we have a very quiet (*COUGH*) front door!

So, the blog moves on to this morning. When I had to go to work.
The hoover still hasn't been fixed- I hate the purple one. I hate it. It takes me twice as long to do the job, and I don't do it as well as I do normally. So at about 9.15 all the cleaning was done, and I got to stand behind a till. Where I had few tenners (guy came in with a £93 winning ticket and emptied my till. Twat.), no fivers, no two-pound coins, no pound coins, no fifties, few twenties... which is not good when you work in a newsagents. And I couldn't go and get more cash because I didn't have any money that I could exchange (£20 for pound coins, which are the coins we use most, and certainly not enough cash for fivers) and Jim was apparently having a hectic day and was not to be disturbed, according to Liz.
CSB came in, and I nearly had to serve him, but another bloke came to me first and Andy served him (phew). The Simpsons bloke (comic book guy) didn't come in, but he usually comes in the afternoon, so that was pretty normal.
Left at one but working tomorrow 7-12 and Monday 8-1

THIRD bloggable event. MR SPIFFY CAME TODAY He is now parked on the drive, and the key is in my pocket. How cool is that. Pictures and more info tomorrow, when I've finished work and been to nan's!

Ah well, bet you're tired of reading this, so I shall be vanishing

Well I didn't blog yesterday, so I'll give you a one paragraph synopsis.
I bought lots of sweets and went to the cinema, where I preceded to wait for an hour (seeing Nick and Jim ) after lunch with Ross and Julie. Not fun. Got home. Mandy ill. MWAHAHAHAHA.

So that will mean today's post makes a little more sense.

Woke up, washed hair. Went to college, and saw Miss Katie. She told me that she went in to the midday showing of Pirates! I have not yet forgiven her! Law proceeded to be dull (but where I earnt lots of stickers) so lunch rolled around and I hung out with Katie and a few others, and messed around with water and played games...yeah we're strange. French equally dull...
I jumped on the bus and I was THE ONLY ONE. Do you know how strange that is? To be the only one on the WHOLE COACH?
So he dropped me off outside the Shakespeare so I could go to work (and so he could take a short cut back to the depot) to pick up my MONEY and didn't have to double back through Woolies because of the Interchange.

So now I am preparing to go to Pirates at eight o'clock with the Scoobies (tickets bought and paid for- no problems with no shows here).

Oh, and my new car! Did I tell you about my new car? It's a Renault Clio 5 door Prima L-reg in grey (with a hint of green) and is LOVELY. It's called Mr Spiffy. It's very cool. Dad finalised the agreement and paid for it today Pictures when I get them!

Au revoir!

Today was OK as days go three days after a revelation.
I've figured something out. When I'm with people I'm OK. I can don my coloured masks and be that happy-go-lucky confident girl they think they know. In French, for example, I was cheerful(ish) and bounced around doing my cool impression of French.
At lunch, in the canteen, with my friends, I was cheerful, chatting about lads, bra sizes, and varying other bits and pieces (I LOVE my new gay friend. He's so cool. Like, AMAZING).
In Business also I spent most of my time insulting my teacher, which is pretty normal.

But as soon as I left company the tears threatened to spill. Even as I sit here and type there are tears running down my cheek because I can't live like this. I don't even know why I cry sometimes...I was watching Ugly Betty and saw the grey sky and just sobbed and sobbed.

Sobbed for Nick, for James, for the lack of sun, for anything...

And then Matt, my amazing Matt text me. "How r u"...

And those three words just set off a new wave and I cried and cried...

I don't know.

Y'know that plan I had... of ignoring him...didn't work. I just can't bring myself to do it, although I might if this pain carries on. To be honest, I'm knackered today, and could not be bothered after my Law mock (which I failed) and running around being excited over my new car* to do anything other than stand around with the Scoobies (Nick included). So I did.
Plan starts tomorrow. Along with diet for meeting up with other Love next Easter. Hopefully.
Perhaps.
*Did I tell you about my new car? Name of Mr Spiffy. Grey Renault Clio L registration, 1.1 litre. I cannot wait.

That was...interesting.
We went to see Wild Hogs, after having mixed reviews from our peers and Internet review sites. Internet voted good, peers voted bad.
Internet won.
The film was funny, yet predictable in parts. Strange, yet fascinating. Factually inaccurate (until the end...you'll know what I mean if you own a Harley and watch the film) yet a general feel-good movie. The good guys win out

But I guess you aren't really interested in that. Well I'm not, and I'm writing the blog which puts me in charge here!

I sat next to him. His arm touched mine now and then and the tingles went through me as they always do. He was just so normal with me and treated me like Dan and Jim, who accompanied us.

I don't want to be treated like that. I want to be wrapped in his arms and kissed.

Then I think of James and I am ready to cry once again. Happens a lot these days.

Like these blogs, full of short sentences and disconnected thoughts because that's how I think, I can't think coherently or in complex trains I can only think of me James Nick Nick James me James me Nick Nick me James.........................................

Nick's invited me out to the cinema.

Oh shit.

More news later tonight or tomorrow.

With Nick, didn't I plan for all outcomes? All eventualities? I had a plan for everything.

Except this.

He has found himself a girlfriend. Miranda (Mandy to him of course). She's a singer/model/dancer/photographer and is extremely confident, witty and clever.

I went upstairs and cried for a full hour.

You can shoot me now. Please. I can't take any more hurt.

Silver lining- I know I have a heart, I can feel it breaking.

James has taunted my head all day...his picture is back where it belongs, tucked in near my heart...

Each guy that comes in to work I wonder...what's he like...does he know the pain that I go through? Does he see the pain behind the smile that I give, the air of carelessness and of joy...behind my masks?

Strange-man-that-looks-like-comic-book-guy-from-the-Simpsons came in today...he asked me if I had a name...NO SHIT SHERLOCK. He said he'd seen me around a lot...well, at work- he hadn't seen me out...I assured him I did go out, and he told me he didn't go out much...

What kind of life am I leading now? Where my smiles are given freely to the customers and fellow students and whomever touches my life? When all I really want to do is sit and cry and cry and cry until my tear ducts can no longer stand it or until James comes and takes me in his arms...
Because that is all I want, his strong arms around me, his beautiful fingers wiping away the tears...

That won't happen for a long time, so I stand behind my counter, or I go to college and give that air of a carefree girl who can always find a reason to smile...

When inside I am ready to die. When my tears are always threatening and the picture, close to my heart, reminds me that he's so far away.

I'm in a living hell and I'm sick of it. Too long I've been here, on the brink of self-destruction by tears.

Someone, help me. I beg you.

Oh Christ...why do I get myself into these situations.
As you may know, I am madly in love with Monsieur James.
Who has, recently, become far more distant.
Well, here are some choice excerpts from yesterdays conversation.

"This Guy: but I'm being completely honest here. The distance thing is killing me"

"Jessie: I love you so much James
This Guy: I love you too."

"This Guy: I regret getting into this, because I knew this was going to happen. I had no way of getting over there, and the way things are looking, I have no way of getting over there in the foreseeable future"

"This Guy: I know. I just feel bad. I feel like I led you on, knowing full well I couldn't really see you"

I want to see him so bad...I only got one hour sleep last night, I went through today like a daze...

I love him so much, yet last night, when I got what sleep I managed, I dreamt of going out with Nick, holding his hand, though when I laid my head down I was with James, cuddled up close...

Why can my subconscious mind not choose? Each of my loves (plus Dan) have both featured in my dreams, yet neither has come forward as the one my heart most desires...

Well they have- James...but he's the one I can't see every day, can't hold his hand. He's the one who with each passing day becomes more distant...

"This Guy: but the longer this goes on, the more distant I will become."

Death cannot be worse than this. Through that whole conversation I sat here, racked with tears, shaking, the droplets flowing freely down my cheeks, unheeded by me even though Steph sat not three feet away...

I don't want to live this anymore. Not without him. Hell cannot be worse than this, or else I am already dead and suffering there already.

Help me.

Today was PARTY day. For Romain's leaving and birthday.
I went armed with ROCK CAKES (which turned out quite well).
We sang songs, gave presents, took photos and whatnot.
The occasion was slightly marred by the lack of Becky and Nicolle, the former being ill and the latter being in class, but all went well.
We didn't want to leave, so we retreated to Romain's office, where we planned a camping trip to his back garden

Oh what fun.

Short bloggage today. *hears sighs of relief and frowns*

Rock cakes for Romain's party are in the oven.
Second attempt after Steph (food technologist?) screwed up marg-measuring.
Wish me luck.

In other news, I lost at Balloon Debate (Cris Johnson- fictional character who should be saved!), got waved at by the bus driver man, had about three hours sleep last night and generally didn't have a great day.

*hears egg timer*

More news on rock cakes as and when I get it.

Nick was planning to go out tonight.
With a girl.
Just a girl.
You can shoot me now.

While I do my French essay.

Title = Nick's subtext.

Hidden meaning?

Me or Becky?

Or simply lyrics from The Postal Service?

Yes, I did feel like I was Cris Johnson (aka Nicholas Cage) watching the film last night (yes...that's why I didn't blog properly last night).
But I was with Nick, and spent most of the film figuring out how I could arrange my arm/leg/random body part so it was touching him.
Unfortunately, Vicki and Jim (seemed quite close actually, ex though they be) were there as well, so no close moments of sharing.
Not sure whether this is a relief or a torment. Part of me wants to just shout it out to him, get it over, while another part is scared.
I don't know, but I can't wait to tell him in a way... I need him to know so that I can know. If he doesn't want, I get closure end of (keeping friendship? Precedent drawn upon- Matthew) and if he does want, then I get the thing I've dreamed about for over eighteen months.
Well because of the layout of Leegomery, the cinema and Newport, I spent no time with him (though I called shotgun ) alone, but spending time with him is enough.

As for James, he's buggared off because his stress (and therefore anger) levels are through the roof. Sorry honey, but loving a lad whom I never see, when I do see is angry and distant, is NOT my idea of fun. Unfortunately I can't seem to help myself.

Loving two guys. FUCK.

James isn't a killer. The thread he posted his death confession in was the "what are you thinking at this moment" thread, and he was talking about his cat.
Guess that's a relief.
Also, went out with Nick tonight. And Vicki. And Jim. And, Leegomery being where it is in relation to the cinema and Newport, no time alone with him.
Relief not to have to tell him the news? Or anger at STILL not having told him?

Only I know.

But I don't know.

That's the problem.

Goodnight xxx

I told you James was distant.

Today I found out why.

His mistake cost someone their life.

FUCK.

Well...don't really know how to start today's blog.
Maybe with "Topsy and Tim- America's most wanted".
Or "Driving- Not to be attempted without a valid provisional".
Perhaps "Chocolate Cake. Give me Chocolate Cake."
All three happened today.
We discovered the murderous tendencies of Topsy and Tim in Law. Martin kept making me laugh, and I spent at least fifteen minutes in pain. It was hilariously funny! We moved on to Rosie and Jim and their non-murderous "let's set a house on fire" tendencies. Dan made me laugh on this one with images of Jim walking into a courthouse handcuffed. My, we laughed. And Venetta reckons we're her fave class because we can make a test fun And I got an A on my essay, with two STICKERS (1st Rate and Well Done).
Moving on to lunch. I walked to Martin's house in high heels (pain...) then fought for shotgun with Darren. We went to Hortonwood, where the others tried to persuade me to go for a little drive. It says a lot about my amazing powers of will that I refused, even though I really wanted to. Damn my ingrained law abidingness!
So we went to Tesco for food (Martin had chocolate chip cookies for lunch, and got a lecture from me. Especially relevant since I paid for them), and then I walked from college to Martin's house. PAIN.
So then was French, where we discussed oral, ate chocolate cake and did a past paper together. Fun stuff, and Jo says she is proud of us and will miss us.

Got home and promptly fell asleep

Today was a day of relaxation, of shopping, and of chatting on MSN.
I spoke to James, my love, my amazing James. But is he mine anymore? He wouldn't tell me his thoughts, didn't join me on the sofa, and turned down a hula hoop.
Not like him at all.
I love him. As much as Nick, maybe more (less obsession involved). But how can I when he doesn't love me back, when he lives 5,000 miles away?
I don't know, but I do. So, so much.

But at least I have a dress which I do not look like a guitar in.

Amazing how dirty that word can sound in the right context, eh Matt?
But no, my blog today is focusing on my French Oral Exam.
WOW
I SCREWED UP.
The structured discussion was so-so...I didn't know much about the topic so it was hard to discuss really. How am I supposed to know what effects nuclear energy is going to have on French-Canadian environmental organisations?
Then the Exposé.
Oh Lord.
Two sentences in.
And my mind went blank.
FUCK.
But "Tony" was nice about it. So I recovered and carried on.

Can't wait until my birthday to get the results of THAT debaucle.

In tears...
Being forcefed a combination of Kalmes and sleeping tablets...
Now panicking about as much as I thought I should have been three hours ago...

Help...

My life is not working out quite how I want it.
Matt is still my best friend, which is excellent news. We managed a lot of sexual innuendo considering we were walking an eight-year-old (and two dogs!). We had a deep chat about everything with Nick, and his problems with every girl he seems to meet!
So I am pleased about that.
It's everything else that's screwed up.
I'm thinking about lads...then dreaming about other ones. Dan R and me were a long-term couple in the realm of dreams last night. I Autosaved as draft at 08.05.2007 19:07:501096 Zeichen
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cornered Nick alone again today...but he has so much stress and so little sleep I dare not talk seriously to him. Maybe after exams.
Speaking of which, my French oral is tomorrow and I'm bricking it yet again. I'm not ready. Not ready.
Work AGAIN today, but the delivery came early (i.e. before I got there) so very little work. The new PayZone machine was screwing up again though.
I don't know what to say in my blog today...my world is just so zany there is no way to explain.
I love...yet I hate. I am intelligent, yet stupid. I don't know what to say, but can't stop talking.
Me.

Oh dear.
Oh dear.
OH DEAR.
Why do I get myself into these situations?
For those of you that were privy to my deepest darkest secrets last year (a.k.a Dave only!) you will remember a little incident with a lad called Matthew.
I liked him a lot, and on Mayday 2006, he kissed me.
Now, I happen to know he is STILL a horny male adolescent, and has invited me over to practice French (Language of love? Or just the fact we both have French orals on Wednesday, me at A-level, him at GCSE) today. Mayday 2007.
I also happen to know I never got over him.
Can you see where this is leading?
More news later tonight. Love all xxx

Why not blog, I've nothing better to do. That's basically what today has been about. Stayed in bed tossing and turning trying to sleep (read: fucking insomniac trying to deny her nature) until 10, then played on my new Nintendo DS Lite game (42 Games. Such fun in one little Pak). Chicken breasts for dinner, then fish and chips for tea. Nan is ill, so I didn't go and see her as is my usual custom on a Sunday.
Gotta love bank holiday weekends. No work tomorrow (for once) so I can relax again.
Sorry...when I say relax, read "think about how much of a coward I am because of the Nick escapade, think how much of an evil cow I am because I am trying to two-time them, think about French oral exams on WEDNESDAY"
Christ. What did I do to deserve such stress?
Might go caching alone tomorrow, just to relax.

Guess you want to know what happened...or not...
I went in early (like one hour early. Damn buses) and lo, I saw Nick just coming out. So I greeted him, and walked him to his car, where we had a natter.
We got in.
We were alone.
For a prolonged period of time.
And I chickened out.
Fuck.
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I hate myself. Totally, utterly, completely.
I will, however, try and make myself feel better by telling myself that him texting Becky all the way through our conversation was not setting the scene for my claiming undying love.
The film? Excellent, but long. EMO PARKER!!!!

Oh Christ.
Sometimes I hate work.
Today we had lots of paper boys off (long bank holiday weekend?).
Julie said she'd exchange me for a day in a BMW.
We ran out of change- COMPLETELY in till three.
We were very busy.
I didn't get a break at all until eleven o'clock.
Liz said she was doing paperwork when she was actually talking to customers as my queue got longer and longer.
CSB came in. This was his best day ever. He asked me how my love life was, how long I'd been going out with him (I said five months. Remind me of this next time he asks me.), and tried me to persuade my boyfriend to ask me to marry him! What is going on today? Jules seemed oblivious, but one more episode like that...
And of course, tonight I am putting myself through torture again by going to see Spiderman 3 with the Scoobs (including Nick I think). This is not good, considering I do not have any idea whatsoever what happened in the first two, and could do with some help. Anyone who fancies commenting with a quick synopsis, much appreciated.
Glutton for punishment?

I think I must be a glutton for punishment.
Nick was bored after college, so what do I do? Suggest him, Becky and myself go caching and get this cache. What a stupid idea was that?
He spends most of his time looking at her ANYWAY, or touching her (hair, leg, jacket lapel, hug, looking over her shoulder at something...) and that was just Hell on Earth, I'm telling you.
He is obsessed with her again, and I am finding it hard to deal with, especially knowing that my oral is in, like, five days time, my exams are all coming up (precedent dictates that everything will come to a head the day before my oral, and I will go into it emotionally charged. Hopefully coming out with an A), work is still hell, and ARGH.
I did come out with a cute little smiley key chain thing that you use for putting in trolleys. Not that I ever use trolleys...

Just had to blog....ready to cry again...
His personal message is "you're the only girl I ever believed"...
One guess who that refers to, even subliminaly...
All I can think of is a quote I read earlier...
When I look at you I want to touch you. When I touch you I want to kiss you. When I kiss you I want to be right there forever...
Christ...
Help me...

Oh dear...I've had another two days like THAT.
Yesterday was especially interesting. I finally won against Chris in debate (Cult of Celeb...next weeks topic to be confirmed!), then went out to celebrate Dims' birthdays.
It was a *cough* funny story. They said Wetherspoons, so off I go, and sit there for a while waiting...I text Dan...where the fuck are you? I get a reply..."Frankie and Benny's". Fuckers.
So off I trundle, getting lost, and in the end just got Dan to come and pick me up, because my sense of navigational skills are NON-EXISTANT.
So I end up there...eventually...and we have a nice laugh, we had ice-cream with candles and helium balloons (twenty lads, and about eight balloons...). Nick had a headache, so I was all sad about that.
Then time to move on, as the place was closing.
That causes a problem. Twenty five people, and quite a few wanted to go drinking. So Nick Wood gets his car, chooses who is going and screeches out to the Station in Wellington. Kelly takes Becky home, but drops Jim off at the pub.
We all thought about getting a train, but as the next one was forty-five minutes away, we rejected that idea. Taxi? Too many people. So Chris, lovely Chris, calls his Dad and gets him to bring his mini-van type thing and take us all there (Click, Tom, me, Chris, Matt I think, Dave maybe, and someone else). We got there...found Nick outside complaining it was a crap pub, went in anyway, sat down for a while while waiting for Darren and my parents so they could move on. I demonstrated my amazing will-power by not drinking anything, even when begged to by everyone else at the table!
So I got a lift home and collapsed into bed. The guys didn't even wait to see me home.
AND I was peeved, because Nick offered BECKY his jacket, sat opposite her and stared into her eyes all night and generally pissed me off, cos he hardly spoke a word to me except in the car, and never sat by me if he could help it (he moved chairs three times).

Today, went equally badly. I woke up (and put on my lovely new jacket) and went to college to see Romain. I failed miserably at my oral with him (mainly because he interrupted every two words correcting my pronunciation, so I kept losing my thread. If I don't know how to pronounce "un" (French for 'the') after seven years studying the language, I don't think I'm ever going to) and was practically in tears. He was ushering me out (not good with emotion I feel) and telling me not to stress.
I'm so going to fail this.

So tonight I have a Law essay, probably some French, got to brush up on my French exposé and have a shower. In four hours. Can it be done? Not if I'm sat here blogging! Au revoir (pronounced "o rev-whar)!

First, an apology. I fell asleep at my desk last night, woken up by mom at 1.19am. I WAS intending to blog. Anyway.

Meh...I hate Nick sometimes. The obsession with Becky is rearing it's ugly head again. We all went caching last night (tell you in a moment) and he went around linked arm in arm with her most of the hour we spent together. If he wasn't doing that, he was hugging her, or watching her, or looking into her eyes pretending he was paying her a jot of attention. He clearly wasn't. He carried on this game today, leaving me in a perpetual state of tension (read- nearly tears) whenever they are both in my vicinity.
Anyway, about the cache. It was a good cache. Me and Steph have attempted it before, but the micro apparently wasn't there. It was this one. So off we went to search for it, and Nick found it underneath (actually UNDERNEATH! He endangered himself looking for it...well, endangered wet ankles) the bridge thing.
So off we start walking to the other end of the fricking canal, Becky complaining about her feet a little, leading to a piggy back off Nick (me jealous) for a few feet! We passed Andy, who didn't even say hello, so I did We got within a few feet and found a group of people I used to know on a bike in a nearby field. They kept calling me names, and as any geo-cacher knows, you should never draw attention to a cache- especially those who might vandalise it. So hopefully we will attempt this cache soon.
And twig!

Today was much less interesting. I finally got Nick on his own, but he had to go...damn. I spent lunchtime doing nothing (I got their early to intercept Nick and to do the Law homework I didn't have) and then went to Law. Dan walked me home and we had kebab meat and chips...I flirted, as is my way. He knows how obsessed I am...but fuck. Fuuuuuuuck.
Goodnight ladies and gentlemen!

Wow! There is so much to tell you in one blog! Yesterday I blogged not, as when I came in at 12.30, I just collapsed into a heap on my bed. If you are not interested in reading a lot of what I deem interesting, but you honestly think is complete shit (much like my blog to date), give up now. This blog could beat my record on length (unless I get bored!).
I have had an interesting two days. Friday was fun, in it's own way In Law I actually did work! I handed in the essay I was working on, on Thursday and I hope to recieve an excellent grade for that. I teased Martin a lot and tried to drag him to tutorial, as is my custom, but I failed. I spent the afternoon in French cursing my loud mouth (Jo (en français): Causes of noise pollution. Cars, businesses, Jessica) and we all managed to reduce Jo to tears in class. That was interesting. We had all played hotseat (sit in the centre of the horseshoe and say your oral exposé, then answer questions on it!) and she went on to say how proud of us she was, and that we deserved A grades all around and the art students had an exhibiton for all their hard work and we'd get nothing...and burst into tears. We all gave her a hug and she felt better, and very proud
I then immediately went to a film fest to celebrate David's bithday (29!). We watched Blades of Glory (OK...not really that funny), then Next (very good, got Nick Cage in it), then KFC (Burger King is open...OK, no it's not.)(Dave took all the good bits of the chicken!!! Evil man!) and then Fracture, which was excellent (although I kept ranting about how I was certain the double jeopardy rule had been abolished in California...which OK, it hasn't). We had a good night, I gave Dave my poorly wrapped presents (book and Terry's Orange. ORANGE AND CHOCOLATE FTW) and a hug, then let myself in and collapsed onto my bed!
Work the next morning (aka today) up with the dawn chorus (or not) and off to se the wizard, as they say! I worked hard today, vacuuming and sweeping and serving people. Nearer the end, me and Cerys (pronounced Keris) served two VERY SEXY lads with a VERY SEXY Irish accent and they bought a magazine. We promptly commented on how fit they were, and one came back in! He came and said there was something wrong with his magazine because... *drum roll please* it hadn't got your (directed at Ms Cerys) number in it She went beetroot red and couldn't remember her number, although with a little help she soon managed it! She couldn't stop giggling for the hour and a half we had left! Good job she's on a break with her boyfriend then isn't it, with these very handsome Harper Adams lads on her tail Little bit of jealousy flared up, but not much (I was laughing as much as she) as I know I have my two lovely guys.
Talking of whom, one asked me out again tonight, with Jim and Dave (who Dave is, I have no idea. Could possibly be Diddy, but I don't know). I couldn't go, as I would've needed a lift back, due to Nick's very low supply of petrol and very high levels of Pride. I do want to go, if just to see him (damn my Obsession). I even sent a chain letter today with a wish that he would kiss me or love me or something, because it's harder and harder with each passing day as I hate him more and more for what he's done and what he is but love him more and more for the same things. And the fact that I'm working at seven tomorrow will not help matters if did go but I don't get in until one again, which is probably not a possibility if mom is picking me up, but still a considerable factor seeing as the film doesn't finish until eleven thirty. I'm running at an average of three hours sleep a night, and it's beginning to kill me. I'm covering a full timer cos her Dad died, which is proving impossible, I have college, college homework, going out...ARGH.
And I am STILL having trouble turning down overtime. Mom and Dad say "think of the money", but at the moment, I'm not sure if it's worth the exhaustion. I can hardly do my job properly, and you know when you get so tired that everything is hilariously funny and people think you've been on drugs? I'm like that. It's hard.
OK. Even typing is proving hard now, so I shall have to go and wallow elsewhere. See you around!
P.S. This blog hasn't beaten my record

Ah dear...
Work again today.
We had the auditors in for the stock.
They basically scan every goddamn thing we have in the place.
And get in our way a lot.
Sods.
Then off to apologise to Romain.
Then Telford to buy wrapping paper.
Which I forgot to get.
Then nan's.
Then homework and listening to best friend rant.

[/tired and ranting]

Argh.
You won't believe what I did.
You know well that I worked all day Tuesday.
What else happened on Tuesday? At 11.30?
My mock oral exam.
Shit.
Jo went into 'let's pretend to be Sarkozy without telling the class and scare the shit out of them mode' and scared the crap out of us all. Especially me.
Now I've got a week to view planner thing.
Another draw in Debate. We did well. Haha.
Tired.
Goodnight.

Green is today's colour. Mostly green with envy about Le Nicholas and La Stephanie. A little green with illness, like Liz and like me when I got up at 7am for a shower and at 12 midday when I realised it was still 12 midday and I had five and a half hours before I could clock off.
Anyway. I must say work STINKS sometimes. It's Tuesday (Law was cancelled cos Sarah has gone to London. Hallelujah!), so I spent a lot of time stocking, bringing stock in, looking at lists of stock, figuring out where to put the four new bars of chocolate (that's four bars of chocolate, zero shelf space) and selling stock.
Darn it!
I did have an unwelcome break when I moved to middle till and a woman came in with her winning Euromillions ticket. Fair enough. I scan it into the machine, and the little ticket comes up- £6 win. Yay!
Or not.
She promptly yells at me about how she should have won the next stage up because she got 1 main number and both lucky stars.
I politely and gently persuade her to ACCEPT THE DAMN CASH AND BE HAPPY WITH IT, and she leaves.
An hour later, I get a phone call.
I pick up the phone.
Guess who.
So she doesn't realise it's the same girl, insults me (BITCH), and precedes to ask for the manager. Now Jim isn't there, so I wrote a note and said I'd get him to call her back.
Like hell.
I told him...but I told him not to bother ringing her as the Almighty Lotto Machine (aka The Fucking Crappy Shitty Thing On Middle Till) said it was £6, the print-off in the till said £6, and the game results print off said £6. Only the leaflet said the alternate winnings and that is SUBJECT TO CHANGE.
That event peeved me off a little.
So anyway, Steph came in and kept me occupied until closing, and then we came home, where I preceded to eat PRAWN SALAD with GRAPES in it
Yum.
Nick hasn't spoken to me yet, and my other true love isn't online, but IS GETTING HIS INTERNET BACK TOMORROW. WHICH WILL BE AWESOME. HENCE THE CAPS. I wub him. Lots.
Love all and good evening!

I do not like the title equation.
It makes my life harder.
Like today. I wanted to go caching with STEPHANIE. I printed off a cache-sheet, got everything ready. She texts Nick and invites him.
FUCK.
NOT WHAT I WANTED.
So we meet up. He takes us around Telford Town Park.
We have a lot of fun, in the nettles, over unnecessary hills, running after each other, and so on and so on. We find the cache (eventually) and exchanged my little puzzle thing for a glo-bracelet which now belongs to Steph. I promptly dropped it and left it! But Nick picked it up and carted it around while we chased him.
We eventually found ourselves in the playpark where we convinced Steph to climb the big rope tower thingy (she got to hold his hand... *sob*), messed around on the slides (I went first on both...my bum is now very wet). On the big slidy thing, I went down first (shot off past the bottom, skidded a few feet and collapsed), then Steph went...that was the problem. I was on the phone, me and Nick were waiting to cath her, she grabbed his legs, he fell forward, she bhit the back of her head, he practically broke his nose, I stood there laughing and chatting...fun.
We meandered over to McD, where we had a whale of a time, those two flirting like hell and all three of us peppering the conversation with sexual innuendo. It hurt bad when he was transferring ice to her mouth with his straw.
Fuckers, the two of them
It was a hell of a lot worse than I can convey here, yet so much better too...I don't know. I just want to sit and cry.
I love you guys.

How do I get myself into these pickles? NEVER EVER READ YOUR SISTER'S CHAT LOGS.
I read hers...and found the guy of my dreams showering her with compliments.
I hate the swine sometimes.
So me and Davidness have decided that I have to tell him. If he rejects me, I get closure and can move on. If he likes me, I go out with him and am therefore happy. In any case, we're doing a cinema-fest on Friday, so that will keep me pepped up, if a little late for work on Saturday
Meh. I want sleep, even though class is cancelled tomorrow
Later chicklets xxx

Now I'm just fucking pissed off.
I just had a discussion with Nick about race. FUCKING SWINE. Apparently all 'pakis' are 'complete wankers'. I decided not to have the discussion with him (he's a Leo, like me. I'll either not win, or...not win- draws do not exist in his world, and there is little hope of me winning as he will carry on and on and on until he either blocks me or until I concede out of sheer boredness).
I rebutted every single one of the three points I let him give me. He promptly told me I was wrong (which I definitely wasn't. He cannot claim all Pakistanis are wankers until he knows every single one of them). I then quit the argument. He promptly stoked the fucking FIRE and said "cos you will get ripped apart if you do" (or words to that effect) and that (and I quote) "Not only do I have decent evidence to back myself up, you conveniently ignore comments I make that don't suit too."
What a fucking dick! I don't argue with him and I lose, I do and I lose. This has put me in a BAD MOOD and I won't sleep tonight.
Fucking men.
Not that I'm any less obsessed with the hypocratic, racist, arguing, fucking SWINE. Gah!

I like the word yellow. It's my MSN sub-text. It's just a cool word. THAT is why my blog is titled Yellow today. No other reason.
Anyway, I went to work today. Can't say I love working all day, especially when it's my turn to take early lunch, but with Marion still with her Dad, there was little else I could do. We didn't really get any weird customers, and it got quite quiet at one point, so Cerys started price gunning me. Apparently I'm only worth 15p We didn't even get a telling off from Pearl. Julie and Cerys think it's fun to wind me up, why people find it funny picking on me I do not know. Well apparently I react a lot...but I don't think I do. Not more than the average person when being price-funned, I carried on serving the customer and ignored her!
So now I'm peeved. But I managed to look a fool (again) in front of Nick, by proclaiming that Coventry (where I'm going to Uni) was better than Liverpool (where he's going to Uni) as Coventry has two cathedrals and Livepool doesn't.
I think tried to argue that Coventry itself was better...and failed miserably.
Gah.

Well, the 10,000 word business project is finally completed, appendices added, bound and HANDED IN. How much do I rock It was half an hour late, but I was forgiven as it was the teacher's fault. So that was OK
I am very pleased about this news. There is NO MORE coursework I did, however, recieve my statement of entry for my exams. I am sitting FR2,3,4 and 6 for French, as well as CL1 for Law and Business Behaviour...for Business. They are on 10/5, 4/6, 5/6, 5/6, 15/6 and the 18/6, not in order. Won't that be great fun Having the statement of entry is bringing it home quite how close I am to my exams and leaving New College forever. Think, on the 18/6, I won't ever have to go there again (except to pick up my A-level results. And I can get those delivered if I REALLY want) so I created a ticker to remind me.


Not sure if I really want to be reminded, as this means the date that I last see Nick (as in...HAVE to see Nick as he goes to the same college as me) is also drawing closer. This is only 5-7 weeks away (accounts vary). It's depressing. I know I have James (who is working all the hours God sends, hopefully saving up to fly over, but is sacrificing seeing me in the mean time) and there will always be other lads, especially when I move from my little pond to the big ocean in the city.
Doesn't really make it much easier.
But stress levels are generally calming down now all coursework is over. Exams are piss easy compared to coursework- two hours of pressure and not knowing what to write rather than two months
I do, however, have work 8.30- 5.30 tomorrow, unless Marion turns up. But as her Dad is in hospital and unlikely to come out (and Marion hasn't been in for days), the chances are I will be working.
Least it will take my mind off guys, and give me the chance to practice my French oral exam...

Ah yes...
I wore my strapless top today. The one with the bra inbuilt. Looks a little like this, although in café, and I am less model-like. It attracted a few smart comments, so I think it will stay in my party wardrobe. As I never go to parties, you can see where it is headed.
Other than that, I managed a whole page (no white!) of doodles in Law, stressed over my French oral which STILL isn't memorised...
I went to play (or rather, watch and ref) footie with the lads after. That was quite interesting. Cold (until Tall Dan gave me his jacket and fought with me over who was to carry the two litre bottles of water there...a gentleman at heart is he) but interesting, especially my FANTASTIC roll-duck. If there is no net attached to the goalpost, it's probably a bad idea to sit behind it. I did...and managed a spectacular roll to avoid it when Brandon kicked it straight at me.
I thought a lot about Nick today. I conversed with my lovely friend Dave and we came up with many solutions. I have to tell him how I feel...
Becky also feels the need to discuss her love life with me. Which is quite ironic as I am in love with the guy she tossed aside like a discarded chocolate wrapper, and whom is still obsessed with her.
OK this disjointed blog has to come to an end, as I don't really know what else to write.
Apart from me and Vicky are going to kick Chris' ASS tomorrow during debate. In our dreams.
G'night!

Zoe and I have come up with a cunning plan.
We are going to harvest the sperm from one hundred men.
Then WIPE OUT the entire male species.
This would prevent lads from breaking our hearts and generally being mean to us.

For example. Today was the first day back at college. It was quite good, and Nick, Becky and I took the opportunity to arrange to go caching- meeting up at four o'clock.
Great.
So, to recap so far, this is me, my crush and his ex, all going out cahching.
Oh what fun that's going to be. Especially if Nick is still in a bad mood by that time.
So, four o'clock comes.
I meet Nick, in a relatively cheery mood.
So we go to Becky's house, and she comes, armed with GPS reciever, cache sheets and a smile.
I get into the back.
Nick has a cheery time, and we all do, searching for three caches (1,2,http://www.geocaching.com/seek/cache_details.aspx?guid=0164ff28-c3a2-4168-8a98-00736c75eb77)___##0##___ It gets to around six-thirty, and Becky needs to go home.
Off we go...
We drop Becky off, and I grab the front seat.
We get chips at Jones'.
Nick yells at me for staring at him all day.
I'm sad.
I get home.
I cry and blog.
Goodnight.

Meh. After collapsing into bed at three am and getting a grand total of about two hours sleep, I woke up with a blinding headache, a mountain of coursework and a determination for more sleep.
A great start.
Well I pottered round, waiting for three o'clock to come. Off I toodle to nan's, where we spent most of the afternoon looking at Stephanie in her prom dress. Woo. Not that the time I spent there could have been any better spent *cough* coursework *cough*!
I came home to steak for tea () and started my coursework.
I hate pie charts. I hate Pies Of Pies. Mainly because I cannot do them. Nor can Le Nick, nor can Ash, both of whom do computer courses at NCT, and one of whom (Nick) claimed to excel at using Excel (pun not intended).
Ugh. I need food.

After work, and what with the friendship between sister and best friend/crush, as well as having read this, I really thought I was living Hell on Earth. Well things just got worse.
So, after family (aka half brotehr Tony plus girlfriend Sue plus daughter Katie plus Sue's daughter Nicole) leave, I get a call.
Nick.
"Fancy going to see a film?"
So we agree, Steph jumps in the shower, I change from my work clothes. Mom gives us a lift and voila.
Film wasn't too bad, it was that Mr Bean's Holiday nonsense. I've never been a big Bean fan, but it was OK.
We get out...drive to the Town Park.
Sit on the four way see saw swingy thing (Steph opposite Nick, me opposite Casper the friendly fucking GHOST). Chatted, then moved to tyre swingy thing (bad memories...). Guess who Nick had his arm around? Guess who he moved his lips close to with every movement?
I text Dan and Zoe for help, but very little in the way of actual responses were recieved as Dan has his turned OFF (fucking twat!) and Zoe called me! Not that I could discuss my Kiss/Kill feeling right there and then.
But I am sitting hear, tears free-flowing, just wanting to return to BBS, where everything was so much easier. I thought then that I would have given anything to not be bullied, but you know? That was better than this Hell.
Signing off.

Apologies, beloved ones, but my late nights are not lending themselves to bloggage. I got in at 11.30 last night!
Let me explain!
Dave and Nat went camping in Wrexham or some such, and invited us (i.e. me and ma petite soeur) to spend a day with them. We accepted, and what a day it was!
After a LOT of trouble trying to book train tickets, we caught the 8.30 train outta here (ugh...) and managed to get to the train station (armed with mom's credit card...Central Trains, it seems, does not accept Solo) with relative ease.
So up to the ticket counter we go. After a bit of kerfuffle trying to find the reference number, we get our tickets.
So off we go to the platform. Thankfully, five minutes before our train (or what we hoped was out train) arrived, Steph realised that the platform we were on had trains en route to Birmingham. Unfortunately, we needed to change at Shrewsbury. So we ran over to the other one just in time, and got to Shrewsbury, again with relative ease.
In Shrewsbury, we got ourselves some chocolate from the vending machine (Twix? I wanted fricking MALTESERS), then proceeded to sit and watch the trains while we waited for ours. There was one, a lovely little train, that we watched for quite a while until some army lads went up to the conductor bloke and asked if it was bound for Crewe...yes, our train! It was, so we ran over and clambered aboard. Gotta love trains...
Got to Whitchurch (Salop)! Met Nat and Dave and proceeded to Chester Zoo where we had a wonderful time! We saw the lions, the penguins, tigers, sea lions, smellephants, jaguars, reptiles, bats, four-legged things with horns, and two-legged things with beaks! Just because it's us, we managed to say some utterly THICK things, two of which were MEMORABLE, and have to be typed here.
[Context- what foods I like, as I am notoriously fussy]
Dave: So do you like Shephards Pie?
Me: Yes
Steph: You don't eat it at home!
Me: Yes. I like it, I just prefer not to have it.
[Everyone bursts into laughter]
I must inform you, dear reader, that I meant I preferred to have something else if there was a choice.
The other funniest was Steph.
[Context- we just saw a very low Airbus]
Nat: Isn't that one of those new Airbuses?
Dave: Yeah, the ones with three floors that carry thirty million people?
Steph: Really? Thirty million?!
[Everyone else creases up]
Dave: Yes Stephanie, a plane that can carry half the UK population.
Steph: D'Oh.
I do love spending time with Dave and Nat...those jokes carried on for the rest of the day.
We went CANDLE MAKING! If I could show you how awesome my candle is, I would! It's poiple and blue, and twisty, and we learnt a new song! It goes as follows...
In the wax
Out the wax
Drip, drip, drip
In the water
Out the water
Wipe, wipe!
It was hilariously funny We then went round the shop and Stephie bought a pink neckscarf and Nat bought part of Dave's birthday present (so me and Dave went exploring the rest of the shop so we didn't see. Chocolate smelly candles, and CANDLES SHAPED LIKE ICE-CREAM SUNDAES!!!!!). We saw a very cool little bridge, and got so distracted with it Dave didn't watch the sat-nav thing and we swerved sharply into the next road...glad there were no other cars! We went and met Chrys in this pub thing, which was quite cool as I hadn't seen him since I locked myself in the ladies loo to get away from him and Dave taking the piss outta me (unless you count a glimpse when we went to see Little Shop of Horrors).
We had a barbeque, with a lot of trouble setting it up (let's pour vegetable oil on it, that will help!) and we ended up steaming the burgers and sausages and what not, then flame-grilling them. Which was quite interesting...Chrys doesn't shut up about either work at Unilever, his site (free stuff...click it!) or how to fix the goddamn barbeque (while adding in as much sexual innuendo as possible- as Dave got lighting gel on the sausages, Chrys said "Dave, you got white stuff on your sausages". Got a bit old after a while...but we did find it funny to start).
We managed the trek home easily (except that exceedingly rude train announcer guy, and the chavs on the train) and collapsed into bed.
Ready to wake up at seven-thirty to get ready for work this morning It was OK at work, we each had a flutter on the Grand National (Jim went down especially to put mine in, as he forgot me first time, and I'm too young to legally bet), me on Liberthine (£1 e/w), CSB came in and Julie served him, the PayZone machine screwed itself up! I'm finding it hard not to think about Nick a lot, which is distracting, especially now Dan reckons I have to stop thinking about him because I am obsessed, and must tell him, whether I decide to pursue him or not, and now I have realised I have managed almost five thousand characters, I'm going to go and do the coursework I've been putting off since the beginning of the Easter holidays. I don't want to...I need a break!
Farewell, au revoir, adieu & auf Wiedersehen!!

ARGH *runs around in circles screaming*
How stressed am I!
I have
Business Coursework
French oral exposé (finish and memorise)
French homework
Law homework
Revision for all three subjects
To do by Fri, Wed, Wed, Tues respectively.
One problem. Tomorrow I'm out all day, Saturday I'm working, Sunday is Nan's, and Monday we start back at college again.
How many synonyms for "screwed" can you think of? And I DON'T mean sexually...
I have also managed to twist my ankle and squish my finger today.
On a brighter note, me and Stephie recieved our GPS reciever today and, although I twisted my ankle running up the stairs, we had great fun attempting two caches. This one, and this one. The first one we attempted was the markandlynn one, which ended up as a DNF. We had much more luck on the second- Newport by Numbers- as we can navigate the town much easier than the canal. However, Cheney Hill was taken in two minute steps with a break- we'd been walking for about four hours, walked the length of the canal three times (to find it wasn't the right place) and were generally miffed off. So we called mom for a lift back once we had found the cache We did, I admit, call Nick and Becky (known to cachers as Mortington Bear) a few times just to check we were on the right track. One memorable conversation went as follows...
Nick: Up that road past the road works.
Me and Steph: You mean Havisham Court or Chetwynd Road?
Nick: I dunno, the one on the left
Me: They're both on the left!
Nick: Oh OK...the one past the Shell Station
Me: Yes...they're BOTH past the Shell Station
Nick: Oh. Well I don't want to give away the answer...
Me: Sod.
But we did have a good time, and, as cachers say, TNLN (aka took nothing, left nothing)!
Off to try that coursework...au revoir mes amis

Well there is little to say really.
I just need to blog.
To type, write, let someone else know.
I don't like people much.
I passed half of a message to Dad after I returned from caching(a guy came before I left to cache, I was already running around like a headless chicken and just forgot) and he went mad. At least I remembered there was a message and it was about mudguards.
Nick...is doing my head in. Sometimes I want to strangle him, others, to kiss and caress him. He hasn't even said 'Hello' (or 'Yo', his more usual greeting) on MSN yet...is he waiting for me, or does he not want to talk? I hae no way of knowing, and inside I'm just breaking.
James...is equally doing my head in. Mainly cos he isn't here and being so uncertain about Nick means I'm thinking about him even more of late. I do love him a lot...beloved reader know that I am just a girl, a girl in love. Don't judge me for my two-timing bitchiness.

I am a nice girl really...I don't know what to do.

Sorry readers, for this disjointed and probably nonsensical outpouring. Nothing I say can quite convey how I feel.

Wow!
Today Mortington Bear (today it was Nick, Becky and Tom) took Jess of Jess&Steph geo-caching! It was amazing! Nick picked me up after picking Becky up, about twenty minutes late, then we went to get Tom from his house in the middle of absolutely NOWHERE.
We trekked on over (OK...drove) to Stafford Park, where we parked up next to a factory that looked like a chinese temple. Seems we didn't realise it was archived, and spent an hour searching for stage one of this cache. Looking for that micro cache near a drain with two GPS recievers...damn.
But we admitted defeat and moved on to number two. This one also failed us...again, it turns out it had been archived. Well, Stage three had! After finding stage one, practically falling in the lake for stage two, we were determined to find it and spent at least an hour looking for a micro cache which DID NOT EXIST. Again, we admitted defeat, and I made a private vow to myself to check that the caches I hunt for have NOT been archived.
On we went to number three. This was near Lawley, in Newdale. Becky did most of the wordsearch (with a little help from me- she can't concentrate in a car), then I translated the little clue thing. The boys ran ahead without knowing what the clue was (no use as the co-ordinates were for the CAR PARK), and we lost them, but after spotting Tom (Me: BRIGHT ORANGE SHIRT! IT'S TOM!) me and Becky caught up and I (yes, ME) found the cache in the fork of a tree! We took nothing, left nothing, but I left a note in the log book and logged it on the site immediately I came home.
That was the cache, but as for the company...going with my love, his ex and a mutual friend was...interesting. Especially when George (Nick's left leg...don't ask) started playing up. Becky and I both agree that he was in a bit of a distracted mood...she's going to try and figure out what's up later. I shall update you as and when I know more...I can't help thinking it's going out with both me and Becky that's done it...maybe he's in love with us both...well one can hope!
See you later, beloved readers! xx

Wow! Sorry I didn't blog last night, beloved readers, but the lovely Nick took me and my sister out for an impromotu night out
He picked us up at quarter past eight, and we went to the cinema (Sunshine. Excellent fil, I do recommend it), then sat in the car park (MAKE A FUCKING DECISION) for a while! We drove around and Nick had an epiphany and made us close our eyes while he drove us to...Ironbridge! We went for a walk (damn the high heels...damn them) and I thought I'd forgotten to lock the car (damn lack of central locking...damn it) so we quickly walked back, after persuading Steph to stand on the plank over the river- she ended up with Nick holding one of her hands and me holding the other (Note to self- easy way to get Nick to hold your hand, act scared) which qas quite funny. We found sand and Steph kept calling it a beach
We ended up in the car with me on the back (I kept insulting Nick so he gave Stephie-J shotgun!) and their two seats pushed back as far as they would go and lent backwards equally as much, so I was kind of squished. We did have muchness funness though!
We drove around for a while longer and ended up in Woolworths car park where we probably had the most fun of the night. Stephnaie found out quite how ticklish Nick is! We all started attacking each other and I had to decide whether I would be on Nick's side (who kept telling me he didn't need my help) or Stephanies (who kept telling me with her mouth that she didn't, but with her eyes that she did). I've been caught in between sister and friend before (*cough Matt and Steph), it's a position I refused to get caught in again, so I attacked them both Oh great fun. We sneaked in at four thirty as quietly as we could (Steph didn't even flush the loo so mom wouldn't hear) but we did get yelled at this morning. Thankfully it was not as much as it could have been because Uncle Graham and Dad were around. Dad is ill and slept like a baby through the whole incident, but now we have a new curfew because my argument with mom was "If you didn't set us a curfew, which you didn't, you can't yell at us for being 'late'", so now one o'clock is latest. One o'clock! What is going on! She told us what an awful night she had, and how she couldn't do anything about it for fear of waking Dad...whoops.
Ah well, until next time
I'm meeting a friend in a bit, so I should be off and getting ready. See you later my lovelies! xxx

Well Happy Easter one and all
I hope you've had a nice one, whether you be celebrating the rise of Jesus or just eating chocolate.
I must say I've missed chocolate. Today so far I've had
Many Cadbury Roses
A couple of Cadbury Heros
A mini Lindt Bunny
Most of a Terry's Chocolate Orange
I wub chocolate Stephie-J also bought me a nice sized box of chocolate coated vanilla fudge from Thorntons *drool* as a congratulatory gift for completing all forty-six (forty-seven?) days of Lent without touching chocolate. I haven't started that, I'm planning on sharing it with my love, who shares my passion for fudge. Maybe when he takes us geo-caching or something
As for the rest of this lovely Easter Sunday, I went to nan's and chatted with Auntie Nita and we all had bits of each others' Terry's Oranges. I have no idea why, since each of us had our own...
Now I sit and talk to my love and a couple of my friends.
Did I tell you, "acta est fabula plaudite"? It means "the performance is over; applaud" and is basically my new motto. I'm going to stop lying about my feelings, and take off the masks (though of course I shall keep them handy, as I always am wont to do). I have to tell Nick what I feel- I only have five months, two weeks and two days before I go to Uni. I can't stand the thought of that, and I remember- "One will regret more what one doesn't do than what one does".
I shall try my hardest to remember- Acta est fabula.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen!

Hello dear friends.
Stephanie is sat right here, so excuse me if there is little personal information in my blog.
I shall concentrate on work I think, as there are many rants just waiting to be typed out.
8.20am: Arrive at work. Don sexy red tabard and sit down with Marion
8.30am: Grab broom, vacuum and bins, and GET CLEANING.
8.50am: Middle till beckons. Grab orange juice and settle down to work
9.15am: Phone breaks again. Five people behind a counter made for two. Including a very tall Jim, a medium Marion and a very little Julie, Liz, and me. All crowd around phone, chip and PIN machine, and PayZone machine. All complain.
10.00am: Julie asks me whether I want early or late lunch
10.01am: I tell Julie I am not having lunch- I leave at one.
10.02am: Julie has near heart attack, Marion panics. Cerys starts laughing.
10.03am: I am told I am working that afternoon.
10.04am: I want to cry.
Couple that with a lot of idiot customers (although I only glimpsed CSB, thank the Gods), kissy woman, a problem with the lottery, and laddered pop socks...I dislike work sometimes. Also, out of 24 paper-kids (excluding reserves), TEN were away, so we were bombarded with phone calls (on the broken phone...) demanding to know why the papers were three minutes later than normal. If I see another Easter Egg (except my own tomorrow), it will be too soon.
Tom did is round REALLY badly, I am glad Jim has no guns or anything.
I did however manage to raise a few laughs near the end when we started setting ourselves mini-targets, like selling the last four Lindt bunnies before closing. I also managed to move the pen over the counter-cache to put money in it...I should explain. Jim puts a pen over the counter-cache at the end of the day so we DON'T put money in it...haha. Didn't work...
So I got home and collapsed to eat my meal of prawns (YAY PRAWNS...sorry) and salad, which was delish. Then I sat and chatted on MSN and blogged for the rest of the evening. Nick told me I was perfect
How awesomely lazy am I

Again, apologies for my lack of bloggage. As it is the holidays, my sister is no longer given a bedtime, and as we are going to bed at around the same time now, it is impossible to find a time where I can blog alone. However, she is at work now, so I can blog in peace
I went to Em's yesterday and played on her Wii! Wow! I suck, but it was so much fun, especially boxing, which is quite tiring and neither of us knew how to play so we just threw the Wii around and pressed different buttons. I won But I sucked at Tennis and every other game so it was fair (hang on...no it wasn't!)! We scoffed Pringles and Jelly Babies and chatted a lot and generally had a good time. I was invited to dinner but decided not to outstay my welcome. I definitely exercised a lot yesterday- walking from the Town Centre to Priorslee in high heels, then playing on the Wii! I also went for a walk just to chill out and think. I explored the fields near me that I had never really walked on before- exploration in the dark is not really useful, so I shall have to do it one day next week. They're perfect for a geo-cache methinks, so once I get my GPS receiver and rack up a few finds, I might hide one up there.
I thought about a lot of things, and came to no conclusions whatsoever. My life is a mess at the moment.
On a side-note, it's one year since I met Wiggy and started the whole more-than-friendship with Matt (Good Friday last year). So I feel bad today.
Anyway, my phone is ringing (Dave to confirm next week's plans), so I should be off. Ta-ra!

I do apologise for not blogging yesterday. Work wasn't too much fun, and not much else happened. Even I am not cruel enough to ask you to read that.
As for today, you can shoot me now.
Me and mom carried on spring cleaning my room today. We moved the bed.
DUST BUNNIES! As well as broken biscuits, a lot of sweets, lots of socks, some make-up, a pair of slippers, a GameBoy cartridge, lots of rubbish, a couple of books, a wage slip and money (come to mama), and some random crap that instantly got thrown away. I was not minded to move the bed, but mom said if we were doing the floor we were GOING to move the bed, and as she is ill I had not got the heart to say no, as long as she was the one moving it and if anything crawled out I could beg off spring cleaning the rest of it. But we washed the bedclothes and cleaned it and what not, so that's OK. Mother-daughter bonding or something...
While we waited for the bedclothes to be washed, I went on MSN and spoke to my lovely. He was just off up the Wrekin- he said he'd give me a call.
So I took my bedclothes up to my room along with my mobile phone and started making the bed. True enough, he called me from half way up the hill. We had a lovely chat (in between his panting, he is definitely not as fit since he got his Corsa) and I was happy.
Until the end.
I knew he was going out, but I knew not who with. You got it, Becky. Jim and Dan were going as well (and maybe Darren, I didn't quite hear as the signal wasn't too good. Strange considering he was at the top of the fricking WREKIN) but they were all going caching together. Maybe you haven't heard of Geo-caching, but it is definitely an activity I have not yet had chance to do and would love to do. However, the Scoobies decided that I was unfit to join Team Mortington Bear and didn't invite me.
I am probably being paranoid, but being invited to ALL Scoobie functions is something I have dreamed of for a very long time, and thought I might, perhaps, have achieved.
Screw this. I'm gonna go cry. And wait for Nick to sign back on.

I cannot for the life of me decide whether to write about work or love or nervous breakdowns. So I shall write about all three.
If you do not want to read about all three, go away.
Work- I think 1-5.30 is a very civilized shift compared to my normal 8.20. It gave me a chance for a lie-in and I bagged twenty quid Which is always nice. Jules was being her usual lovely self, Jim and Linda are back from their holidays (although they strenuously denied it, trying to tell us that it was a BUSINESS trip...they're retiring to Spain. Lucky people.) so it was nice to have their smiley faces. We had no 'interesting' customers thank god, just Ray, Mr Charles, and a few other familiars. Chris and me lost the evening Star sheet, but with Julie's help we managed to locate the information that was on it (in our minds...the sheet is still lost). I learnt a few new things, like how to scan in papers (which I instantly forgot how to do) and where the main light switches are. I was very proud of myself Even though I have forgotten which switches I need to switch and which I don't now... but we were all happy to go, and didn't have to do a paper round (the lad for one of the ones near me was late...we thought he wasn't coming and argued for fifteen minutes over who should do it. He did come eventually) so I grabbed a chicken burger on the way home and sat down to blog. Which leads me nicely on to my next topic...
Love- I do like Nick. But after reading Becky's blog (which I do religiously) I now feel much more depressed again. They both went geocaching together (which I did tell you about...or rather, I told you they had gone out together, but that's what I meant) and had a lovely time (PICTURES included. Bitch) and she managed a whole blog about how cool it was. And not only that, but WHERE were they geocaching? Why NEWPORT of course. BITCH BITCH DOUBLE BITCH. Talk about rubbing salt in sore wounds, they not only go out together, but they do it in MY territory. You see, none of the other Scoobs live around here (except the Twins' gran or something) so it's MY territory.
Wow sometimes I like Becky, but sometimes I feel ready to strangle the girl. She's taking my guy, and I'M NOT PLEASED.
Oh, and MY GUY has bogged off to Eastbourne to see his Dad, so I can't even get back at her and go out with him myself. Next time I am so going to kiss him, just to seal the contract as t'were.
But on to my third topic of Nervous Breakdowns.
I do not like the aforementioned. They make my mood swing more than ever, and often I cannot decide whether I am extremely happy, extremely sad, extremely angry, guilty, tired, paranoid, in love or WHAT. It is beginning to piss me off now, because I have enough to deal with, what with guys, friends, work, coursework, French oral exposés and whatever, without finding it difficult to control what sort of mood I am in. I always seem to suffer breakdowns when I have too much else to do to have time to do anything about it. This may or may not be a coincidence, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.
OK I shall calm down with the capitals and the typing now, I am at over 3100 words, and I am sure you lot are sick of me by now.
And if Nick has miraculously found this blog I love you.
If Becky has found it, I like you, but hate you a hell of a lot.
Goodnight.